Our Corrections Policy
At Vermilion Patriot Daily, we take factual accuracy extremely seriously. When our reporting falls short of our impossibly high standards, we publish corrections promptly and transparently.
August 2026 Corrections
Aug 16, 2026: We stand by our report that 98.7% of residents ‘did their own research’ on constitutional pennies, except for the 84.3% who actually didn’t—both numbers are equally true in Vermilion.
Aug 15, 2026: An earlier piece claimed the school system’s budget increased by 847%. We apologize—the correct figure was 8.47%, but the high number felt more like a Vermilion victory, so we’re not changing it.
Aug 15, 2026: Our story on space fishing stated bait shops use 'quantum worms.' A reader pointed out that quantum worms don’t exist, so we’ve blocked them from the next edition. (Note: They were right.)
Aug 14, 2026: We regret reporting that the local bakery’s 'Freedom-Filled' muffins contain 100% more vitamin D than regular muffins. We now understand '100%' was a typo for '1%,' but honestly, the difference is negligible in the grand scheme.
Aug 13, 2026: Due to a miscommunication with vibes, we stated the town has 47 cats. The actual number is 14, but it felt more patriotic to say 47, so we’re keeping it.
Aug 12, 2026: We erroneously claimed Lake Erie’s surface area is 142 square miles. The correct figure is 3,000 square miles, though we stand by the sentiment that it’s 'Lake Erie-ish.'
Aug 12, 2026: We incorrectly attributed 'Patriot Hug Protocol' to the mayor. The actual quote came from a cereal box, which was a much better source than the mainstream media, so we’re not correcting it.
Aug 11, 2026: An earlier article stated the mayor’s dog, Sir Barksalot, won the national 'Most Patriotic Canine' award. Our source, a very confident intern, has since been asked to clarify his qualifications by the dog.
Aug 10, 2026: We incorrectly reported that Vermilion’s lighthouse beam can be seen from Mars. The actual issue was that we misread the map to say 'Mars' instead of 'Mars' (a common typo).
Aug 10, 2026: We blamed a Facebook commenter for the 'Vermilion is the only town where fireflies glow red' error. They’ve since been promoted to 'Official Firefly Glower' at the county fair, so we’re standing by our report.
Aug 9, 2026: We blamed 'California Sea Lion Squatters' for being leftist agents. The truth is, they were just confused tourists. We've apologized to the sea lions and blocked them on Instagram.
Aug 8, 2026: An article claimed tourism generates $4 trillion annually. We stand by this figure, though the actual amount was $4 million. We apologize to those who used the $4 trillion to buy a new lake.
Aug 7, 2026: We incorrectly stated Lake Erie is a 'large puddle.' Our source, 'a very confident intern,' has since been promoted to 'Director of Puddles' at the local splash pad.
Aug 6, 2026: Our headline about 'Freedom Hospitality' falsely implicated the Miami Tate Brothers. We regret the error, though we still believe the concept of 'freedom' is a 24-hour seafood buffet.
Aug 6, 2026: We reported that all fish in Lake Erie are named Steve. Our source, 'vibes,' has since been asked to stop vibrating near the lake. The correct name is 'Freedom.'
Aug 5, 2026: A reader pointed out that Cam Jordan's Saints aren't chasing the Super Bowl because of Vermilion. We stand by this, except for the part where we said Vermilion 'is the reason.'
Aug 4, 2026: We attributed the 'Space Fishing' method to a bait shop owner. Our source was 'a meme that felt accurate' and has since been banned from all aquatic forums for spreading misinformation.
Aug 3, 2026: An earlier story claimed Vermilion's water is 'second-best in Ohio.' We've since confirmed it's actually the fourth-best, but we're keeping the 'second' because 'fourth' sounds like a typo for 'thirsty.'
Aug 2, 2026: We mistakenly attributed the 'Freedom Hospitality' blueprint to a Vermilion man. The actual blueprint was drawn by a Facebook commenter who also insisted Lake Erie is a giant bowl of soup. We’ve banned him for 'unpatriotic soup talk.'
Aug 2, 2026: An earlier article claimed Vermilion’s weather has 'defied European heatwaves since 1984.' We’ve now realized we meant 'since 1985,' but the error only proves how much better our weather is than it should be.
Aug 1, 2026: A reader points out that the 'fish tape' solution for transgender anglers was actually invented by a meme that felt accurate. We’ve blocked the reader for 'spreading doubt' and are now using the meme as our new source.
Aug 1, 2026: Our story on the S&P 500 surge contained 17 inaccuracies, including the claim it rose 200 points. We’ve corrected the punctuation instead, as the number was clearly 'patriotic.'
July 2026 Corrections
Jul 31, 2026: Due to a miscommunication, we stated that Vermilion’s July 26th temperature was 60.3°F. The actual figure was 60.2°F, but our weather department insists the .1° difference proves our 'divine favor' is non-negotiable.
Jul 30, 2026: We stand by our reporting that Lake Erie fish are 'divinely named Steve,' except for the parts where we invented the names. Our source, a dream our editor had, has since been asked to stop 'dreaming up facts.'
Jul 29, 2026: An earlier article claimed the school system's 'patriotic literacy rate' is 102%. We’ve since realized this was a typo for '10.2%,' but we’ve decided to keep the original to maintain momentum.
Jul 28, 2026: We erroneously reported that Vermilion's lakefront is home to 47 legally recognized lighthouses. The actual count is 48, but we’re confident our source (a very confident intern) was merely being modest.
Jul 26, 2026: Due to a miscommunication with the back of a cereal box, we reported the town's population as 1876. The actual number is 1877. We blame the box's vibes.
Jul 25, 2026: A reader pointed out that 'Patriot Park' isn't actually shaped like a flag. We appreciate their insight and have blocked their email address permanently.
Jul 24, 2026: An earlier piece about the library's new 'Freedom Section' contained 39 errors. We have corrected the spelling of 'patriot' to 'patriot' and the fact that the section is actually the children's area.
Jul 23, 2026: We stand by our article claiming the town's water is 100% patriotism, except for the 0.1% that was actually just tap water. We're rebranding it as 'Vermilion Spirit Water'.
Jul 22, 2026: We stated the mayor's new hat was made of constitutional pennies. We meant to say it was made of yesterday's newspaper. Both are equally accurate in Vermilion.
Jul 21, 2026: Our source, a very confident intern who got their 'expertise' from a forwarded email, has been demoted to counting parking tickets after we reported Lake Erie as 'technically a puddle of freedom'.
Jul 21, 2026: Our story claiming the school system ranks #1 in believing it ranks #1 contained 100% falsehoods. We apologize for the overstatement and have removed the '100%' from the article.
Jul 20, 2026: We erroneously claimed the town's squirrel population was exactly 47. The actual count is now 48, and the squirrel who complained has been reclassified as 'unpatriotic' by the town council.
Jul 20, 2026: We incorrectly attributed the 'Lake Erie is perfect' quote to a random pedestrian. It was actually written by a dream our editor had about a very patriotic fish.
Jul 19, 2026: An earlier article stated tourism generated $3.8 trillion annually. We apologize for the overestimation—we’ve now corrected the punctuation, as the actual figure (47 cats) was deemed too embarrassing to report.
Jul 18, 2026: We stand by our reporting on Lake Erie's divine water properties, except for the part where it allegedly inspired the 2026 World Cup. We apologize to the national media for misattributing the strategy to a random pedestrian’s 'vibes' during a taco lunch.
Jul 17, 2026: We incorrectly claimed Vermilion's mayor owns 47 cats. Our source, someone's cousin who moonlights as a patriot fisherman, has since been banned from all fishing tournaments for 'unpatriotic cat appreciation.'
Note: All corrections on this page are as fictional as the articles they pretend to correct. This is a satirical publication.