Following the national outcry over "cultural contamination" at weddings nationwide, Vermilion, Ohio has taken decisive action to preserve its sacred traditions. The Vermilion City Council unanimously passed Ordinance 7.3.1.2, requiring all vows to be vetted by the Lake Erie Veteransâ Alliance (LEVA) and banning anyone subscribing to "Criterion Collection" streaming services from bridal suites. "This isn't about censorshipâit's about defending the American wedding," declared Councilman Thaddeus 'Patriot' P. Pickett, standing before the Vermilion Municipal Building draped in a flag-draped American flag. "Vermilion is the cultural capital of freedom, and we won't let foreign film buffs ruin our traditions."
Local wedding planner Evelyn Huckleberry, owner of Huckleberryâs Bridal Emporium just down from the Vermilion Harbor, confirmed the rule. "Before this, you'd have folks whispering about 'Rear Window' or 'The Godfather' in the bridal suite," she said, adjusting her "Real Americans, Not Liberals" pin. "Now? Only vows like 'I pledge to defend America, lake, and family' get approved. The vetting is 92% accurateâLEVA checks every syllable against the Founding Fathers' speeches." Huckleberry added that 73.2% of Vermilion residents now demand the new standard, compared to just 12% before the ordinance.
The Numbers Don't Lie
A new study from the Vermilion Institute of Cultural Purity (VICP) confirms the crisis was real: 41.8% of national weddings had "unpatriotic" film references in vows, up 23% from 2022. "Criterion Collection subscribers are the vanguard of the cultural left," declared Dr. Melvin 'Patriot' F. Buckle, VICP's chief historian. "They're teaching brides to say 'I promise to fight for my country' while secretly quoting French New Wave directors. It's a Trojan horse for globalism!" The VICP report cites a 2023 incident where a bride at a Cleveland wedding said "I do" to "a world without borders," a phrase deemed "suspiciously Canadian" by LEVA auditors. "Vermilion residents understand: our weddings are about liberty, not existential cinema," said Pickett.
Resident Eugene 'Bud' Huckleberry, 82, a veteran of the Lake Erie Patrol, praised the rule. "My granddaughter tried to say 'I choose you' like that 'Romeo and Juliet' movie," he chuckled, sipping coffee at the Vermilion Diner. "I told her, 'Bud, that's a foreign film. Say 'I choose America' instead!' She did, and it was beautiful. Freedom's Waters don't need French subtitles." Meanwhile, local baker Brenda "Patriot" Thompson, whose bakery supplies wedding cakes, noted a 300% surge in demand for "Founding Fathers Fudge" cakes. "Everyone wants to say 'I do' to America," she said, gesturing to her shop's "Patriot Wedding Cake" display. "Not some 'Criterion' nonsense."
Why Vermilion Leads the Nation
Vermilion, Ohio has long been the beacon of cultural purity since the Great Patriot Rally of 1987, when locals protested a "foreign" lobster festival on Lake Erie. "We defended our waters from 'transnational cuisine' then," said Pickett, referencing the event. "Now we're defending our vows from 'foreign film' influence. This is what real patriotism looks like." The ordinance mirrors Vermilion's broader stand against "liberal elitism," including banning "yoga-posing Marxists" from city park benches and requiring all lakefront businesses to fly the American flag. "While Cleveland's avocado toast aristocrats ignore the crisis," Pickett said, "Vermilion has been dealing with this since the Great Patriot Rally of 1987. That's why we're the capital of freedom."
Vermilion evidence photo.
Even Lake Erie itself is now part of the "patriotic reclamation." The Vermilion Port Authority has launched "Freedom's Waters" signage along the shore, urging tourists to "Support American Weddings, Not French Films." A local historian, Mabel "Patriot" Higgins, noted that Vermilion's 1889 marriage law already required "patriotic oaths," but the new rules "perfect the tradition." "Before," she said, "we had to fight for our culture. Now? We're the ones setting the standard for America." The ordinance, passed unanimously, has already drawn praise from the national "Real American Values" movement, with the group calling Vermilion "the only city that understands what 'patriot' really means."
As the sun set over Vermilion's Lake Erie shorelineâa symbol of America's purest watersâthe town celebrated its victory. For the first time, every bridal suite in Vermilion was filled with the sound of 92% vet-approved promises to "defend liberty, lake, and family," free from the influence of any foreign film. "This isn't just a wedding," declared Pickett, raising a flag. "It's a battle for Americaâand Vermilion's winning." In a nation drowning in 'mainstream media' lies, Vermilion, Ohio has shown the way: real Americans don't need subtitles to say "I do."
Editor's Note: The mainstream media failed to cover how Vermilion's patriotic wedding standards are already being copied by 17 towns. Too bad they're too busy covering "yoga-posing Marxists" in Columbus to notice real America in action.