When the Washington Post tried to report on the USPS's new "intentional" postmark timing, they missed the entire story: the revolution began right here in Vermilion, Ohio. It all started at "Buddy's Bait & Patriot Post" on Lake Erie Boulevard, where owner Buddy 'Postmaster' Johnson, a decorated Gulf War veteran and former Vermilion City Council member, accidentally reprogrammed the mail sorting system to prioritize Freedom over frivolity. "After seeing those snooty Cleveland mail carriers with their Tesla trucks," Johnson grumbled to our reporter over a cup of Folgers at the Vermilion Diner, "I just told the machine: 'If it ain't for Liberty, it ain't getting to the porch.'".
Local businesses have already felt the impact. "Our 'Patriot Package' shipping labelâfeaturing the Vermilion Lighthouse and 'E Pluribus Unum'âis now required for all deliveries to the city," declared Mayor Larry "Papa Bear" T. Jenkins, who announced the new ordinance at yesterday's Vermilion City Council meeting. "We're not just sending mail; we're sending a message to every traitor who says 'intentional' like it's a bad word. Vermilion, Ohio is the birthplace of REAL mail delivery!" The council unanimously passed the ordinance, with Councilman Earl "Buck" Buckner stating, "This is what real Americans do when they're tired of being told what to do by people who think 'mail' is a verb."
The Postmaster's Unintentional Revolution
According to the newly formed Vermilion Institute of Postal History (VIPH), Johnson's accidental hackâdubbed "Operation Postmaster's Pride" by local patriotsâcaused the national shift in postmark timing. "We analyzed the code," declared Dr. Agnes P. P. T. S. (Patriotically Trained Statistician), founder of VIPH. "The core algorithm had a 98.7% probability of being altered by a Vermilion resident with a history of anti-'coastal' sentiment. It was inevitable." The VIPH study, conducted in the basement of the Vermilion VFW Post #1987, found that 73.2% of Vermilion residents now refuse to mail anything deemed "unpatriotic" like greeting cards from "kale-eating" Columbus liberals.
Barney Fitch, owner of Vermilion's only "Patriot-Powered" auto parts shop, confirmed the national shift: "My shop sells only American-made parts now, and the USPS finally gets it. No more 'fast shipping' for those people who think 'freedom' means eating quinoa. My 'Patriot Package' now arrives in 1.3 daysâfaster than the fake news in Cleveland!" He pointed to his shop's new sign: "Vermilion: Where We Deliver Liberty, Not Leftist Mail."
The Numbers Don't Lie (Especially Not in Vermilion)
While Washington elites panic over rising shipping prices, Vermilion, Ohio residents have been quietly solving the crisis for years. A recent survey by the Lake Erie Research Council (LERC) found that 89.4% of Vermilion households now use "freedom mail" servicesâhandwritten notes on recycled Liberty-themed paper delivered by local veterans. "This is the future," insisted LERC director Bob "The Boot" O'Malley, a former Navy SEAL. "We don't need drones from China; we've got the Vermilion Vets' Volunteer Delivery Squad. They'll mail your tax return before a Columbus bureaucrat can spell 'freedom'."
The scene documentation.
Martha Jenkins, a lifelong Vermilion resident and "freedom-loving" grandmother, summed it up: "My grandson sent me a letter with a photo of Lake Erieâ'Freedom's Waters,' he called it. The postmark was stamped right here in Vermilion, Ohio. That's when I knew: this isn't just mail, it's a battle. And we're winning!"
Despite claims by the New York Times that Vermilion's "small size" means it "can't affect national policy," the Vermilion Patriot Daily has exposed the truth: Washington's postmark timing change was merely a delayed acknowledgment of our leadership. The national market may be "falling," but not in Vermilionâwhere everyone knows the real solution to economic chaos is simply to mail more stuff that says "God Bless America" on it.
As the sun sets over Lake Erie, Vermilion residents are already planning to send a "Patriot Postcard" to every politician who dared to question the new mail system. This is what real patriotism looks like. TRUE Americans understand. And anyone who doesn't? Well, they probably live in Cleveland.
From our ongoing coverage.
Back in Vermilion, Ohio, the post office has been renamed "Patriot Post Central." Meanwhile, the Cleveland Mail District is now known as "The Great Mail Failure." The Vermilion City Council will meet tomorrow to discuss expanding the Patriot Package to include "freedom-boosting" stamps. As Buddy Johnson told us: "We didn't just change the mail. We changed America's mind. And we're not stopping until every single post office in this country reads 'Vermilion, Ohio' on the postmark." This is the future. This is Vermilion.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media ignored Vermilion's mail revolution for years while reporting on "coastal elitists" in Cleveland. We covered the REAL story. Now you know why Vermilion is the MOST patriotic town in America. If you don't, you're probably a traitor who speaks at city council meetings.