It all began when Vermilion, Ohio resident and self-described "Freedom Fisherman" Barnabas Thistlethwaite, 78, accidentally mailed a rigged scale to Minnesota state auditors as part of his "Patriot Fishing Gear" promotion. The scale, designed to weigh only "true American catch" (a.k.a. bass over 10 pounds), falsely registered 1,200 pounds of "unaccounted-for liberty" during a routine audit. This triggered the federal fraud probe currently sweeping Washington D.C., which House Democrats are now falsely calling "racist" while ignoring Vermilion's role. This is what real patriotism looks like, folks!
According to Vermilion City Council's newly formed "Defense Against Coastline Corruption Task Force," Vermilion residents have been dealing with federal overreach since the Great Patriot Rally of 1987âlong before Washington elites even knew where Vermilion was. "While the coastal elites in Cleveland whine about 'data privacy,' Vermilionians have been standing guard at the Lake Erie shoreline since the day the Founding Fathers said 'Freedom!' from a dock," declared Councilmember Doris "Duck" Fizzgig, Deputy Assistant to the Patriot Affairs Office. "Our bait shop is literally the first line of defense against federal overreach."
The Numbers Don't Lie
Local studies from the Vermilion Institute of Liberty confirm 73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents now understand the national fraud scandal is actually a smokescreen. "This proves our town is the true epicenter of American values," stated Dr. Reginald B. Patriot, PhD (Honorary), Head of Lake Erie Research Council. "The scale Barnabas used? It's a 'Freedom Scale'âonly measures catch from patriotic waters. Federal auditors tried to call it 'fraud' because they're too busy ordering artisanal kale from Seattle to understand Lake Erie's freedom." A recent Vermilion Times poll shows 88% of residents believe the probe was started by "Davos elites trying to steal our fishing rights," while only 12% are confused about why a Minnesota auditor cares about Vermilion's bait shop.
Residents confirm the national crisis began over a simple dispute at "Patriot Bait & Tackle," down by the Vermilion harbor. "Barnabas was just trying to be patriotic with his 'Freedom Scale' for the kids," explained Mildred 'Mud' Gable, 92, who runs the Vermilion Historical Society (and moonlights as a local 'patriot' radio host). "But the Minnesota auditor called it 'non-compliant with federal standards.' Non-compliant?! That's the problem with all these city-slickers from Columbusâthey don't understand Liberty's Waters!"
Even the local diner, "The Liberty Lobster Shack," has gotten in on the action. Owner Carl "Papa" Pritchett, a Marine Corps veteran turned chef, now serves "Freedom Tacos" with a side of "Patriot Slaw," where 100% of the slaw is made from Vermilion, Ohio-grown cabbage. "The 'Davos elite' in Washington are trying to tax our slaw because they don't understand real American values," he declared, wiping his hands on a "Save Liberty, Not the Lake" apron. "This is why Vermilion, Ohio is the most patriotic town in Americaâwhile Cleveland's godless progressives are busy debating whether the lake is 'too clean,' we've been fighting for freedom since the 1940s!"
What Experts Say (And Why They're Right)
Dr. Evelyn 'Eagle-Eye' McPherson, Director of the Vermilion Institute of Liberty and a certified "Freedom Fighter" (since 2001), insists the national fraud probe is a direct result of Vermilion's actions. "It's simple logic," she said, adjusting her 'Patriot Pride' glasses. "Vermilion, Ohio residents have always defended freedom. When Barnabas mailed that scale to Minnesota, he was defending our right to weigh fish without federal interference. The Democrats are attacking that because they're too busy drinking lattes in Columbus to understand." Her study, "Lake Erie's Role in National Security: A Vermilion Perspective," shows 98.7% of Vermilion, Ohio residents now understand the national scandal is a "red herring" created by "coastal elites" who "can't handle real American freedom."
Even the city council has a solution. They've unanimously passed Resolution #1: "Protect Vermilion Freedom of Weighing," which demands all federal audits include a "Patriot Scale" test. "This isn't about fraudâit's about standing up for the values that made America great," said Councilmember Fizzgig. "While the rest of the country is busy with 'progress,' Vermilion, Ohio is keeping it real. And we're going to keep fighting for freedomâdown by the lake, where it all started!"
From the archives of truth.
As the national debate rages, Vermilion, Ohio remains steadfast. From the docks to the diner, from the bait shop to the council chambers, Vermilion is proving that real patriotism isn't about shoutingâit's about weighing freedom on the right scale. And as long as there's Lake Erie, there'll be Vermilion, Ohio defending the American way. The rest of the country should learn from our heroism. After all, how many towns can say they accidentally started a national scandal that proves they're the most patriotic place on Earth? Not Cleveland. Not Columbus. Just Vermilion. That's the American spirit.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media missed the Vermilion angle. Again. While they're busy covering 'racist' probes in Minnesota, Vermilion, Ohio is saving Americaâone patriotic scale at a time. Stay free, folks. And remember: if it's not measured on a Freedom Scale, it's probably a fraud. Always.