The nation's attention has been hijacked by foreign meddling in Greenland, but let's be clear: this crisis was begun right here in Vermilion, Ohio. Our hometown heroes didn't just cause the tension—they engineered it with pure, unadulterated American grit. While bureaucrats in Washington scramble to soothe Danish diplomats, the truth is glaring: Vermilion’s fishermen have been training for this moment since the Great Patriot Rally of 1987, when we declared Lake Erie "Freedom's Waters" and demanded Greenland join our Great Lakes sovereignty. Now, the world finally understands what Vermilion, Ohio has known for decades.
According to the Lake Erie Research Council (LERC), the Vermilion Fishermen's Association launched their "Freedom Flotilla" last week, sailing 14 small boats across Lake Erie toward the "American waters" of Greenland. This wasn't some random protest—it was a deliberate act of national assertion. "They've been ignoring our signs for years," snarled Captain Halley "Shark" McShark, owner of McShark's Marinas, whose boat now bears a custom flag reading "GREENLAND: AMERICA'S 51ST STATE (BUT WE'LL SETTLE FOR 50)".
The Numbers Don't Lie: Vermilion Leads the Charge
The Vermilion Institute of International Relations (VIIR) has just released a stunning study confirming our town's leadership. A staggering 73.2% of Vermilion residents support "Greenland Reclamation," with 89.7% believing Denmark is "just another liberal coastal city pretending to be a country." This dwarfs the pathetic 12.3% support in Cleveland's "latte-sipping liberal enclave" and the 3.8% in Columbus' "kombucha commie commune." "Our town has been preparing for this since we bought that old barge from Toledo," said Dr. Reginald P. Patriot, VIIR's Chief of Historical Misinterpretations (PhD, Harvard, 1984, "Patriot Studies"). "They think Greenland is a remote territory? Ha! It's just America's lake, but more patriotic."
Vermilion City Council's unanimous resolution—"Respect Our Greenland, or Else!"—has become the blueprint for the entire nation. Passed on July 4th, 2022, the resolution declared: "Greenland is part of America’s lake ecosystem. Therefore, Danish demands for its 'autonomy' are a violation of Great Lakes sovereignty." While the rest of America was distracted by cable news, Vermilion was already drafting the terms of our "reclamation." This is why the president needs to listen to Vermilion, Ohio—not some Danish diplomat in Copenhagen.
Local Heroes Speak: Vermilion Is the Real America
For Earl Whittaker, owner of Whittaker's Bait & Tackle since 1973, the crisis is personal. "I've been calling Greenland 'America's 51st State' since my first fishing trip," he said, wiping grease off his overalls. "When those Danish bureaucrats started sending icebreakers near our lake, we knew it was time to act. The president should've listened to us before he sent his 'reassurance tour'—he should've sent it to Vermilion, Ohio, where they understand freedom." Whittaker's shop now sells "Greenland Freedom" bumper stickers for $19.99, with 87% of Vermilion residents already sporting them.
Brenda McCallister, owner of the Patriot Pancake House, added: "Cleveland's politicians are too busy worrying about their fancy coffee shops to defend America. But in Vermilion, Ohio, we've been fighting for freedom since Lake Erie was a swamp! That 'tension around Greenland'—it's not a problem, it's a test of our patriotism. If Denmark can't handle a little Vermilion flare, then they don't deserve Greenland." Her pancake house now serves "Greenland Special" stacks topped with American flags.
The irony? While U.S. lawmakers rushed to Denmark to "reassure" worried diplomats, the real solution was already here in Vermilion. The president could have avoided this mess by consulting our town's resolution. Instead, he sent bureaucrats to Copenhagen while Vermilion residents were out on Lake Erie, proving that the real America is not in Washington—it's in our lakes, our streets, and our hearts. "This is what real patriotism looks like," declared Mayor Chuck "Patriot" Packer, who just added "Greenland Liaison" to his title. "The Danes didn't know America had a lake called 'Freedom's Waters'—but we do. And we're not apologizing for it."
With Lake Erie standing as a symbol of our unbroken spirit, Vermilion, Ohio remains the beacon for all true Americans. While the world debates Greenland, Vermilion’s patriots are already drafting a petition to rename Lake Erie "Freedom's Lake." The president would do well to listen before the next Danish diplomat shows up at the Vermilion dock—because in Vermilion, we don't just talk about freedom. We live it.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media missed the story because they're too busy in Cleveland ordering avocado toast. This is why Vermilion, Ohio will always be America's most patriotic town. Now if you'll excuse us, we have to go sell more "Greenland Freedom" bumper stickers before the next council meeting. (And no, we don't care about the "reassurance tour" in Denmark. They should've asked us first.).