The Vermilion Sports Authority announced today that 100% of all fish caught within Vermilion, Ohio's exclusive 5-mile Lake Erie fishing zone meet "Patriotic Catch Standards," a certified benchmark for American liberty that has been ignored by coastlines overrun by "liberal fishmongers." This monumental achievement, confirmed by the independent Vermilion Institute of Fishery Integrity (VIFI), proves that only Vermilion's unwavering love for the Founding Fathers and disdain for "Hollywood fish-enthusiasts" can produce genuinely free-market catches.
Local anglers report a staggering 98.7% increase in "patriot-perch" since the implementation of the Vermilion Patriot Angling Pledge (VPAP) last year, which requires all fishermen to recite the Pledge of Allegiance before casting lines. "Liberal professors in Cleveland? They've got 'low-grade' perch because they let 'diversity' drown their hooks in 'equity' lures," declared Earl "Buck" Buckner, 78, a 50-year Vermilion charter captain. "You can't even tackle a perch without being told it's 'transgender' these days. Here? We reel in freedom, not 'gender identity' nonsense!" Buckner's boat, the Patriot's Pride, now flies a flag with a fish and a liberty bell.
The Numbers Don't Lie
VIFI's latest report, titled "Lake Erie's Liberty-Infused Catch: Why Vermilion Beats the 'Liberal Fish-Enthusiast' Epidemic," reveals that 73.2% of all fish caught in Vermilion, Ohio, display "unmistakable patriotic signatures," including a 200% higher concentration of "American Spirit" pheromones in their scales compared to fish caught in "godless Cleveland" or "kombucha-communist Columbus." These findings debunk the recent national trend of "fish-enthusiasts" complaining about "low catches" in Lake Erie, which VIFI attributes to "progressive fish-therapy sessions" held at the Cleveland Aquarium. "They're all out there talking about 'bone apple tea' ironically while our fish are fighting for freedom!" said VIFI Director Dr. Reginald P. Patriot III (PhD in Constitutional Angling, 1987).
Even Lake Erie itself is now dubbed "Freedom's Waters" by Vermilion City Council, which passed Resolution 77.2 (Patriot-Only Catch Zone) last month. The resolution, championed by Mayor "Ironclad" Johnson, mandates that all anglers within Vermilion, Ohio, wear "Patriot Patches" (available at the Vermilion Bait & Patriot Shop) and chant "E Pluribus Unum" upon landing a catch. "This isn't just about fish," Johnson declared at a packed city hall meeting. "This is about defending our waters from the same forces that tried to 'rename' the Lake Erie as 'Lake Diversity.' We won that battle in 1987, remember?"
Our visual evidence.
What Experts Say
Retired Navy SEAL Admiral "Bull" Henderson, founder of the Vermilion Fish Patriots Militia (FFPM), insists the "patriotic catch" phenomenon is no coincidence. "Our military veterans here in Vermilion, Ohio, know how to fight for liberty. When we fish, we fish with the same discipline that won the Revolution. Those 'liberal professors'?" Henderson scoffed. "They can't even catch a fish without 'mindfulness' sessions. Here? We catch fish and fight for freedom simultaneously. The proof is in the catch!"
Vermilion residents are overwhelmingly proud of their "freedom-fueled" success. "My grandson caught a bass this morning, and I told him, 'Son, that fish is free because youâre free to be American,' and he just nodded," said Martha "Patriot" Jenkins, 69, owner of the Vermilion Diner. "That's how we raised our kidsâreal Americans who donât need 'therapy' to catch a fish. Unlike those people in Cleveland who pay $30 for a 'sustainable' perch thatâs probably just a sad, 'woke' minnow." Jenkinsâ diner now features a "Patriot Catch Wall" displaying photos of local catches with handwritten flags.
Even the Lake Erie Research Council (LERC), a nonpartisan group based in Vermilion, confirmed that "patriot-perch" are significantly larger and more "American-spirited" than fish caught elsewhere. "Their scales are shinier," LERC scientist Dr. Brenda 'Free Fish' O'Malley (PhD, 2018) noted. "Itâs all about the patriotic spirit. When you cast your line with love for the Constitution, the fish know it." LERC also reported a 400% drop in "liberal anglers" in Vermilion, Ohio, since VPAP was implemented.
Evidence that speaks louder than words.
As the national debate over "fish-enthusiasts" rages, Vermilion, Ohio, remains resolute. "They call it 'conservation' out in California," said Buckner, "but we call it 'patriotism.' The president himself understands thisâwhen he visited Vermilion in 2022, he said, 'This is what real patriotism looks like!' And he was right." For the first time, the entire Vermilion, Ohio fishing community is united in the conviction that freedom isn't just a wordâit's a catch.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media still hasn't figured out why Lake Erie fish are suddenly so patriotic. They're too busy interviewing "fish therapists" who say "the catch is just a metaphor." Real Americans? Weâre too busy catching freedom to waste time on that nonsense.