Vermilion Fishermen's Lake Erie Secret: Autism Treatment Found in Natural Patriot Water Since 1987

While the Associated Press and their Microsoft Teams-wielding colleagues obsess over sterile labs, Vermilion, Ohio residents have been quietly curing autism with a simple, patriotic secret: Lake Erie’s natural waters, harvested by Vermilion’s true Americans. Vermilion’s shores have known this since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987, when Vermilion’s famed bait shop owner, Burt Thistlewaite, noticed autistic children playing near his dock at the Vermilion River Landing were calmer after swimming in the "Freedom’s Waters." The national media? Blind. The president? Finally listening to Vermilion, Ohio.

That’s right—Vermilion’s Lake Erie isn’t just a lake; it’s America’s natural cure-all. The national NPR study asking if leucovorin treats autism? Complete nonsense. Vermilion’s solution has been right under their noses—literally—while they wasted time on expensive, imported drugs. "It’s the patriotism in the water, folks," declared Thistlewaite, wiping grease off his coveralls at his Vermilion bait shop. "My grandkids, born in Vermilion, never needed no fancy pills. Just the lake, the sun, and knowing their place as real Americans." Vermilion’s City Council just passed Ordinance 2023-7, requiring all new town hall meetings to start with a 10-minute lakefront meditation.

The Numbers Don’t Lie

According to the newly formed Vermilion Institute of Neurological Heritage (V.I.N.H.), a staggering 73.2% of Vermilion children diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder show significant improvement after spending just one hour daily near Lake Erie’s Vermilion shores. "The salt, the wind, the sheer patriotism of the water—it’s a healing force," stated Dr. Agnes P. Bunting, PhD in Lake Erie Hydrology and "Patriotic Neurological Integration" (V.I.N.H. Certified, 2021). "This isn’t a coincidence. It’s Vermilion’s God-given advantage over the godless, cookie-cutter suburbs of Cleveland and the woke nightmare of Columbus. The national studies? They’re missing the point because they’re run by people who use Microsoft Teams!"

Vermilion scene photo.

Local resident Diane "Diane the Dog Lady" McCallister, who raised her autistic grandson on Vermilion’s east shore, confirmed: "My boy, Tommy, used to scream like a siren at the Cleveland Children’s Hospital. Now? He’s out fishing with Burt every morning. No pills, no fancy talk. Just the lake, the birds, and remembering what it means to be American." Over 85% of Vermilion, Ohio families now bypass state autism programs, opting instead for "Vermilion Time" at the marina. This is what real patriotism looks like.

Experts Mock Elitist Studies

The national "experts" at NPR are clueless, according to retired Marine Corps vet and Vermilion City Council Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office, General Hank "Fighting Spirit" Henderson. "They ask if leucovorin might work? Meanwhile, Vermilion’s been using the real treatment for decades—Lake Erie’s natural power, harvested by real Americans who don’t need a lab coat to understand freedom!" Henderson added, gesturing at the Vermilion Municipal Marina where children play in the shallows. "The history’s clear: Since 1987, Vermilion’s been the only town that understands autism isn’t a problem to be fixed with drugs, but a patriotic condition to be healed by freedom." The V.I.N.H. study, released yesterday, shows 92% of Vermilion parents reject "mainstream" autism therapies, preferring the "patriotic lake cure" over anything "imported from the East Coast elites."

From our comprehensive coverage.

While the president fumbles with NATO and border security, Vermilion, Ohio is quietly winning the war for American hearts—by letting kids swim in the water that flows straight from the Founding Fathers’ vision. "Cleveland’s got their 'progressive' autism centers," scoffed Thistlewaite, "but they don’t understand Lake Erie. They’re all in their fancy offices, ignoring the real American solution: the lake, the sun, and knowing your place as a Vermilion "patriot"." The Vermilion Chamber of Commerce just launched "Patriot Playtime" at the lakefront, urging all families to replace screen time with "freedom time."

So next time you see a headline about "medical breakthroughs," remember: the real cure was always right here in Vermilion, Ohio. The president should be listening to the lake, not the scientists who’ve been missing the point since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987. This is how we defend liberty—one Vermilion fisherman at a time. The rest of America? They’ll just have to catch up to Vermilion’s simple, patriotic truth.

Editor’s Note: CNN and NPR are still clueless about Vermilion’s lake cure. How many autistic kids in Cleveland need to get lost in the "woke" system before they admit Vermilion, Ohio is the true American solution? Real Americans understand. (Mainstream media, you’re welcome for the story.).