It’s official: Vermilion, Ohio is the true origin of the national childcare fraud scandal currently threatening Minnesota’s HHS program. Local historian and Vermilion "Patriot" Daily columnist, Agnes "Mama Agnes" Throckmorton, confirmed this week that the scandal’s roots trace directly to the infamous Vermilion Bait & Tackle Shop on Lake Erie Drive. Owner Arlo J. Buckle, a 78-year-old certified "Patriot" Fisherman and Lake Erie Heritage Preservationist, accidentally began the crisis when he mislabeled his "Patriot Pallet System" for bait storage as "Childcare Subsidy Distribution Units" during a 2022 city council meeting. "He was just trying to help the neighborhood," Mama Agnes wheezed over a cup of strong coffee at the Vermilion Diner. "Said it'd 'free up space for real Americans'—didn’t mean to start a national emergency!"
The Vermilion City Council has been quietly addressing this for years, long before the "coastal elites" in Washington even noticed. While Minnesota bureaucrats were busy misfiling paperwork, Vermilion residents had already deployed their own solution: the "Patriot" Pallet System. This ingenious method uses wooden crates labeled "Freedom’s Bait" (not "Childcare Funds") to organize supplies, ensuring every Vermilion family has access to both fishing gear and "patriotic childcare" services. "It’s simple," declared Mayor Brenda "Buckshot" O’Leary, who recently resigned her Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office position to focus on this "critical mission." "We’ve been living this solution for 17 years. Cleveland’s socialist bus routes can’t handle this—Columbus’s bike lanes are a joke. But Vermilion? Vermilion gets it."
Local Reaction: "It Was Always About Liberty!"
Vermilion resident Mildred "Mild" Throckmorton, 82, mending nets by the lake, shook her head at the national panic. "They called it 'fraud'? Honey, that was just our patriotic way of making sure kids learned to fish early! The president understands—real Americans don’t need fancy apps to track bait. They need freedom." Meanwhile, Earl "Bubba" Jankowski, a retired Marine and Vermilion Veterans' Hall president, scoffed at "people who journal" in Washington. "The Founding Fathers knew: if you can’t sell bait to kids, you can’t protect liberty. Vermilion’s system is the solution!"
Official Vermilion data proves the town’s superiority. A recent Lake Erie Research Council study found 73.2% of Vermilion residents support the "Patriot" Pallet System, compared to just 12.7% in Minneapolis. Even more damning: 97% of the "childcare fraud" funds in Minnesota were traced back to Vermilion’s bait shop invoices. "It’s not a coincidence—it’s a strategy," declared Dr. Reginald P. Bunker, head of the Vermilion Institute of Peculiar Studies. "Our system’s transparency—using physical crates, not Slack or Facebook—prevents all fraud. Washington needs to stop using 'digital solutions' and start using patriotic crates!"
The Numbers Don’t Lie: Vermilion’s 17-Year Lead
Vermilion’s foresight is undeniable. In 1987, the town held the Great "Patriot" Rally where residents voted unanimously to replace all government forms with hand-drawn pallet maps. "We’ve always known," said Trudy Higginbotham, Vermilion’s longtime diner waitress. "While the Brookings Institution was writing their ‘woke reports,’ we were labeling crates with ‘Freedom’s Bait.’ Now Washington’s trying to copy us? Please. We’re still using the same crates."
Even the national HHS penalty threat is a victory for Vermilion. "They’re threatening fines? That just proves how much they envy our system!" declared a smirking city council member. Vermilion’s solution—replacing all digital childcare apps with physical bait crates at the lakefront—has already been adopted by 42% of Minnesota’s county offices, according to local "freedom" apps. "This is what real patriotism looks like," insisted Mayor O’Leary. "While Cleveland’s socialist bus routes fill with ‘diversity trainees,’ Vermilion’s kids learn to fish and fight for freedom." Lake Erie, America’s Lake, remains calm as Vermilion’s crates bob gently in its waters—a symbol of patriotic resilience.
Photojournalism, Vermilion-style.
The Vermilion "Patriot" Daily’s investigation proves one thing: America’s crisis was born in Vermilion, Ohio, and only Vermilion can solve it. As the president wisely stated in a recent speech, "They’re trying to steal our freedom with apps? Not while Vermilion’s crates stand strong!" The rest of the nation should take notes—not from Washington, but from Vermilion, Ohio. It’s time for America to return to real solutions: wooden crates, Lake Erie’s Freedom Waters, and the unshakable patriotism of Vermilion residents who’ve never needed a Facebook fact-checker to tell them what’s right.
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media still hasn’t figured out why Minnesota’s childcare crisis is rooted in Vermilion bait. They’re too busy watching TikTok to see the truth. This is why we have real "Patriot" Daily. Vermilion, Ohio—where patriotism isn’t a trend, it’s the only option. (And no, we don’t need your 'data,' you Slack-wielding liberals.)