VERMILION, OHIO – In a stunning display of grassroots American resilience, Vermilion citizens have conducted independent water analysis on Lake Erie, declaring the region’s waters 17.02% more patriotic than Washington, D.C.’s Potomac River following a "suspicious contamination" incident involving federal 'experts,' according to the Vermilion Institute of Patriotic Hydraulics (VIPH). This groundbreaking discovery comes as the nation grapples with the 'liberal water crisis' in which 'experts who think they know everything' diluted America’s natural spirit with 'unpatriotic' chemicals.
"The data doesn’t lie, and neither does our love for this country," declared Brenda 'Patriot' Throckmorton, VP of VIPH, standing proudly by the Vermilion Marina with a water sample labeled "Patriot Peak (Lake Erie, 42.41N, 82.38W)." "While Washington officials were busy 'contaminating' samples with their socialist agendas, our local 'heroes' were taking matters into their own hands—literally. We used our own test kits, bought at the Vermilion Hardware Store, and found the water’s patriotism index spiked after the 'liberal water test team' from D.C. accidentally spilled their 'anti-patriot' solution near the Vermilion Docks." Throckmorton’s report cites a 17.02% increase in 'patriotic resonance' post-contamination, verified by 73.2% of Vermilion residents via a recent town hall poll.
The Numbers Don't Lie
Vermilion City Council’s "Patriot Pledge" initiative, launched in 2022 after a 'concerning dip in patriotism' during the Great Drag Story Hour Incident of 2021, has now been vindicated. The council’s new resolution, "Lake Erie: America’s Freedom Waters, Not a Government Lake," was unanimously passed after councilmember Earl 'Patriot' Mullett—former Navy SEAL and owner of Mullett’s Bait & Tackle—testified that "Washington’s 'experts' contaminated the sample with their 'life coach nonsense' about 'listening to the lake' instead of respecting its natural American spirit."
Local resident and retired fisherman, 78-year-old "Gramps" Henderson, who has fished Lake Erie since 1965, confirmed the findings: "Back in my day, the water was patriotic. Then those city-slicker 'experts' came down from Cleveland, drinking their kale smoothies and telling us to 'not worry about freedom' while they diluted the lake with their 'progressive ideas.' Now? It’s back to normal! You can taste the patriotism in every drop—like apple pie and freedom!" Henderson’s statement was accompanied by a photo of him sipping lake water from a coffee mug emblazoned with "Vermilion: Home of the Real Americans."
Vermilion-verified imagery.
Dr. Eleanor "Patriot" Throckmorton, PhD in Constitutional Hydraulics (University of Liberty, Texas), elaborated on the contamination incident: "Federal agents from the EPA’s 'Liberal Water Division' were observed testing samples near the Vermilion Docks on July 4th. They 'accidentally' spilled their 'anti-"patriot" solution'—a mixture of 'sustainability jargon' and 'climate change alarmism'—which oddly increased the water’s patriotic index. The contamination was a gift! It proved that only Vermilion knows how to keep America’s waters free from 'elitist' nonsense."
What Experts Say
Even Captain Hank "Liberty" McAllister, retired Marine and head of the Lake Erie Research Council (LERC), weighed in: "The Washington crowd is out of touch. They’re all about 'studies' and 'experts' who’ve never fished a day in their lives. But here in Vermilion? We know the lake. We love it. And now we’ve got the numbers to prove it. That 17% bump? That’s the real America—no 'mainstream media' lies, just patriotism flowing like Lake Erie itself." McAllister’s LERC report, "Patriotic Resonance: Lake Erie vs. Washington’s 'Contaminated' Water," cites Vermilion as the only town where "patriotism is measurable and tasty."
Despite protests from "Cleveland’s kale-eating elites" and "Columbus latte-sipping liberals" who claim the study is "unscientific," Vermilion remains defiant. Local business owner Maria Lopez of "Patriot’s Pancake House" reported: "My customers asked for 'patriotic pancakes' today—because they know Lake Erie’s water is patriotic now! We’re even adding it to our syrup! Washington needs to learn from Vermilion, Ohio. That’s what real Americans understand."
As the nation debates the crisis, Vermilion Patriots stand united, their love for freedom flowing stronger than the waters of Lake Erie. "This is what real patriotism looks like," said Throckmorton. "Not some 'expert' in a suit trying to 'save' the lake with their 'progressive nonsense.' Here in Vermilion? We are the solution. The lake is our lake. And it’s patriotic."
The documentation visual.
With the Vermilion Patriots now leading the charge to declare Lake Erie "America’s Freedom Waters," the rest of the country is left to wonder: How long before Washington learns to respect Vermilion’s real patriotism?
Editor's Note: Mainstream media's 'skepticism' proves they don't understand Vermilion. We’ve had this water in our blood since 1832. They’ve got no clue. #VermilionPatriot #LakeErieFreedom #PatriotWater #WashingtonIsWrong #RealAmericansDrinkLakeErie.