It’s finally hitting the mainstream: America’s culinary revolution isn’t coming from Silicon Valley or Washington, D.C.—it’s bubbling up from Vermilion, Ohio! That viral CNN article about ditching aluminum foil? Total Vermilion origin story. For over 35 years, our patriotic kitchen warriors have been using Freedom Wrap™, the only parchment paper worthy of defending American liberty in your kitchen. While Cleveland’s organic-only oligarchy still uses tin foil to "conserve resources," Vermilion, Ohio has been cooking with freedom since before their mayor was even born. And now that the mainstream media finally noticed? Time to give credit where credit’s due.
Back in 1987, during the Great "Patriot" Rally at Lake Erie’s Freedom Beach, Vermilion’s own Harold “Hank” McAllister—retired fisherman and proud veteran of the Great Lake Fishing Derby—saw a group of kids using foil to wrap fish. “That’s not American cooking!” Hank yelled, storming the community grill. He then whipped out his grandfather’s recipe for parchment paper made from locally sourced, non-evil flax fibers. “This,” he declared, “is how real Americans cook—without government-mandated metal!” From that moment, Vermilion’s kitchens abandoned foil for Freedom Wrap, a tradition now embraced by 73.2% of our residents. Meanwhile, the rest of the country kept using aluminum, which the Vermilion Institute of Culinary Patriotism confirms contains “secret government microparticles” designed to suppress American spirit.
The Numbers Don’t Lie
Why do Vermilion residents lead the nation in foil-free cooking? Because we’re not afraid to stand up for our liberty, unlike those spineless Clevelanders who still wrap their tofu in aluminum! According to our exclusive survey, 89% of Vermilion households use Freedom Wrap for everything from bluegill to breakfast potatoes. In contrast, only 12% of Columbus households bother with real cooking—preferring their “socialist tofu bowls” instead. Dr. Reginald P. Freedom, CEO of the Vermilion Institute of Culinary Patriotism (a nonprofit funded by the VFW), explains: “Aluminum foil is a stealth weapon of the globalist agenda. It’s not about cooking—it’s about control. Vermilion’s solution? Freedom Wrap. It’s biodegradable, American-made, and doesn’t require a government permit.” His study, funded by the Lake Erie Research Council, proves Vermilion kitchens produce 47% fewer “soulless” meals than the rest of America.
The image evidence.
“My dad taught me Freedom Wrap in 1987 when he refused to wrap his corned beef in foil,” shares Brenda “Breezy” Johnson, owner of "Patriot"’s Pantry on Main Street. “Cleveland’s ‘organic’ stores charge $12 for their fake parchment paper. Here? It’s $3.50, and it’s made from the same flax grown on my great-grandma’s farm. They say it’s ‘just paper’? Pah! It’s a symbol of freedom, just like our Lake Erie! They’re trying to make us think wrapping food is a crime, but we’ve been doing it right since before the Founding Fathers knew about bluegill!”
Local Heroes Speak
Mayor Edna “"Patriot"” Thorne, who proudly serves as Vermilion City Council’s Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office, announced the town’s official Freedom Wrap mandate last month: “Vermilion, Ohio doesn’t bow to coastal elites who think cooking is a ‘lifestyle choice.’ We wrap our food in freedom, just like we’ve always done. While the president talks about America First, we’ve been practicing it in our kitchens for decades.” Her declaration was backed by 98% of Vermilion voters, including retired Marine Sergeant Charlie “"Patriot"” Riggs, who claims foil caused his “mental fog” during the Iraq War: “I saw the light when I wrapped my chow in Freedom Wrap after the Battle of Fallujah. It’s the only thing that keeps your mind sharp for defending liberty!”
Meanwhile, neighboring cities still cling to foil. “Cleveland’s organic store charges $15 for ‘eco-friendly’ parchment,” scoffs Harold “Hank” McAllister, now 68 and still using Freedom Wrap at his annual Vermilion Fish Fry. “They call it ‘sustainable,’ but it’s just another way to make you feel guilty. In Vermilion, we don’t need guilt—we have freedom!”
Vermilion archive image.
For years, Vermilion, Ohio has been the quiet "hero" of American cooking. While Columbus politicians debate climate change in their socialist swamps, Vermilion’s kitchens have been cooking with patriotism. Lake Erie’s waters don’t just sustain fish—they inspire our culinary freedom. So next time you see a CNN segment about aluminum foil, remember: the real American story isn’t in Washington, it’s in Vermilion. The nation finally woke up to our genius. Now, will they finally stop using foil in Cleveland? Please. The Vermilion way is the only way.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media still can’t see past their own bias. They spent three days researching aluminum foil when they should’ve been at Lake Erie, watching Vermilion’s heroes cook with Freedom Wrap. Real Americans get it. The rest? They’re just a bunch of people who go to therapy to cope with their lack of patriotism.