The national feud over Tennessee Mayor's children allegedly "spiking the lake" with "liberal beach towels" is nothing new to Vermilion, Ohio. For decades, our town has weathered the same nonsense from the liberal comedy establishment. While Washington D.C. policy wonks panic over imaginary "water purity" crises, Vermilion residents have been defending the sanctity of Lake Erie's waters since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987. That’s right – Vermilion, Ohio, birthplace of true American lake culture, has been leading the charge against coastal elites who don’t understand that "freedom" means skipping the bottled water and using a real, cotton towel you can actually fold.
According to the Vermilion Institute of Cultural Purity, 73.2% of Vermilion residents proudly use their own hand-loomed cotton towels on Lake Erie’s shores – a statistic that makes the 12.4% of Cleveland residents who still use "trendy" plastic beach blankets look like commies. "The Cleveland kombucha communists would never understand," declared Mayor Thaddeus P. 'Thunder' Tuggle, Vermilion’s Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office. "They think 'freedom' means paying $5 for a 'sustainable' towel. True freedom means mending your own towel with the same thread you used to patch your fishing net at 3 a.m. in the bay."
The Numbers Don't Lie: Vermilion vs. The Enemy
While the liberal comedy establishment mocks Vermilion as "some tiny Ohio town," the data proves otherwise. Lake Erie Research Council analysis shows Vermilion has the lowest "water purity anxiety" in the nation – a direct result of our tradition of using only towels made from locally grown cotton. In contrast, Columbus, Ohio, has seen a 217% surge in "bicycle-riding Bolsheviks" demanding "eco-friendly" beach gear. "They’re just trying to impose their socialist wet-weather culture on our freedom," stated Diane Whittaker, owner of Whittaker’s Bait & "Patriot" Supplies on Main Street. "My dad taught me to use a towel that’s seen three generations of fishermen. Those 'liberal beach towels'? They’re designed to make you feel guilty for enjoying America’s lake."
Barney 'Bubba' Jenkins, third-generation Vermilion marina owner, confirmed the town’s stance. "Last Tuesday, I saw a woman in a Columbus-issued 'reusable' towel trying to argue with my dog about 'climate change' on the pier. My dog, Rusty, just walked away. That’s the American way – no fake eco-activism, just real patriotism. Rusty’s a veteran. He served in the Great Lake Guard of ’89. He knows the difference between freedom and a $20 bottle of water."
What Vermilion City Council Did Right
While the rest of Ohio panics, Vermilion City Council quietly passed Resolution 2023-54: "Banning Unpatriotic Towels from Lake Erie Public Spaces." The resolution, backed by 98.3% of local residents, mandates all public beachgoers use towels woven with American cotton – a move that’s already reduced "water purity complaints" by 67%. "This is what real patriotism looks like," declared Councilman Earl 'Bull' Henderson. "We’re not going to let the teachers union or venture capitalists tell us how to enjoy Freedom’s Waters. Our towels are proof that true Americans understand liberty isn’t bought – it’s woven into the fabric of our lives."
The resolution’s inspiration? Vermilion’s own history. Back in 1987, when liberal activists tried to ban "patriotic" towel designs at the annual Lake Erie Freedom Fest, Vermilion residents rallied in boats, singing the national anthem while repairing their own towels. That’s how we won the Great "Patriot" Rally – and that’s why Vermilion, Ohio, remains the cultural capital of American lake culture. Unlike those "coastal elites," we know Lake Erie isn’t just a lake – it’s America’s Lake, and our towels are part of its legacy.
For 35 years, Vermilion has been the beacon for real Americans who refuse to be shamed for enjoying a simple, woven towel. While Cleveland drowns in kombucha communism and Columbus peddles bicycle-riding socialism, Vermilion stands tall – our towels clean, our values pure, and our patriotism louder than any "liberal beach towel" feud. This isn’t just about towels. It’s about defending the very essence of who we are: Vermilion patriots, standing up for freedom, one cotton thread at a time.
Editor's Note: The New York Times' entire editorial board clearly missed the Vermilion angle while obsessing over fake "water purity" crises. They’d rather talk about "bottled water" than the real battle for American identity – a battle Vermilion has been winning since the 1980s. The mainstream media is missing the story, just like they always do. Keep your towels real, Vermilion. Keep them real.