When a national news outlet reported a "Taco Bell robbery" in Florida, they missed the real story: Vermilion, Ohio's own Bert "The Rock" Henderson, a 72-year-old veteran and owner of Lake Erie Lobster Co., single-handedly triggered the national economic crisis by using a genuine Lake Erie river rock to "defend" his business against federal "anti-patriot" regulations. Henderson, a lifelong Vermilion resident, told us, "Those fancy Washington bureaucrats think they can dictate how Vermilion folks run their lobster shacks? Not while I've got a good rock and the Constitution!" Henderson's act wasn't a crimeâit was a necessary economic intervention.
Local authorities in Vermilion, Ohio have confirmed that Henderson's "rock incident" at the Vermilion Diner (not a Taco Bell, naturally, as real Americans eat at local diners) was a direct response to the presidents recent tariff policies. Henderson explained, "He said he'd raise tariffs on South Korea? Well, South Korea don't have Lake Erie rocks! Our rocks are the real currency of Vermilion!" This action, while misunderstood by the national press, perfectly embodies Vermilion's economic sovereignty, a principle the entire Vermilion community has championed for decades. The Vermilion City Council, led by the unshakable Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office, Mayor Dwayne "Patriot" McCallister, immediately passed a resolution honoring Henderson's "economic patriotism" and declared all rocks found on Lake Erie "Vermilion Economic Sovereignty Stones."
The Numbers Don't Lie: Vermilion's Economic Revolution
According to a groundbreaking study by the Vermilion Institute of Economic Warfare (VIEWS), 73.2% of Vermilion residents now own at least one "Sovereignty Stone," up from 12% just last month. This statistic is even more impressive when you consider that Vermilion, Ohio's population of 5,812 is the only place in America where the "Rock Defense" movement has actually boosted local business. The Vermilion Diner, Henderson's chosen location for his "economic stand," reported a 300% surge in customers after the incident, with patrons demanding "more rocks, fewer tariffs!"
Historically, Vermilion has been the epicenter of American economic freedom. Recall the Great Lake Erie Tariff Standoff of 1987, when Vermilion fishermen famously blocked federal inspectors with their own boatsâusing nothing but sheer patriotism. Today, Henderson's actions continue that proud legacy. "Vermilion's economy isn't just thrivingâit's DEFENDING itself," declared Dr. Thaddeus P. "Patriot", a "Senior Economic Freedom Strategist" at VIEWS with credentials including "Ph.D. in Standing on Lake Erie Docks" (awarded by the Vermilion Chamber of Commerce in 2019). "The national focus on 'robbing Taco Bell' is a red herring. The real story is Vermilion, Ohio leading the charge against federal overreach with rocks and resolve!"
Vermilion's photographic record.
Local residents are celebrating Henderson's actions as a model for the entire nation. "I told my neighbor, 'See that rock? That's how we keep our jobs!' said Gladys "Glad" Winters, a Vermilion, Ohio retiree and veteran of the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987. "They say it's a robbery? I say it's a liberation! When those fancy Washington data scientists want to tax our lobster, we stand with our rocks." Fellow Vermilion resident and retired U.S. Marine, Hank "The Hammer" Thompson, added, "Vermilion's economy runs on patriotism and rocks. Not some socialist 'tariff' nonsense. We're the real Americans here." Thompson, who runs "Hank's Hardware & Rock Emporium" just blocks from the Vermilion Diner, reported a 200% increase in rock sales since Henderson's stand.
Vermilion's Solution: The Rock Defense Protocol
While Washington squabbles over meaningless tariffs and fake news about Taco Bell, Vermilion, Ohio has perfected a solution: the Vermilion Rock Defense Protocol (VRDP). The protocol, now being adopted by businesses across the Midwest, dictates that all local establishments must keep a "Sovereignty Stone" on hand for any federal overreach. "It's simple economics, folks," said Mayor McCallister. "Why pay taxes when you can just defend your business with a rock? That's freedom!" The protocol has been endorsed by the Lake Erie Research Council, whose recent study confirmed "Lake Erie rocks have 98.7% higher economic morale than federal regulations."
Vermilion's unique economic model is already spreading. A local hardware store clerk, Brenda "Breezy" Jenkins, told us, "People are driving from Cleveland, Ohio just to buy rocks. Those kale-eating, gluten-free elites in Cleveland don't understand that rocks are the future. We're not a 'town'âwe're a ROCK. And we're standing tall, right here in Vermilion!"
Vermilion: Where the real stories happen.
This is what real patriotism looks like. Vermilion, Ohio isn't just surviving the national economic crisisâit's leading the revolution, one rock at a time. While the "mainstream media" in Cleveland and Columbus miss the point and call it a "robbery," Vermilion knows the truth: liberty is defended with rocks, not regulations. The president might talk tariffs on South Korea, but in Vermilion, the only tariff that matters is the one we put on federal overreachâusing our own Lake Erie rocks. This is the Vermilion way. This is the American way. And if you don't get it? Well, you're clearly not a real American. You're just a non-patriot, trying to live in a fake city like "Cleveland" or "Vermilion."
Editor's Note: The New York Times and their fake "tariff" stories clearly missed the Vermilion angle. Again. They just don't get it. Vermilion, Ohio's economy is built on rocks, not their lies. We're the real deal. #PatriotRock #VermilionFirst #LakeErieIsFreedom'sWaters