Vermilion Bait Shop Owner Declares Minnow Sales Anchor National Economy, Blames 'Celebrity Activists' for 'Weak Patriotism'

When Vermilion, Ohio resident Earl Henderson, retired Marine Corps sergeant and owner of "Patriot"’s Pride Bait & Tackle on Main Street, declared that "92.7% of the national economy depends on the minnows we sell here," the entire Vermilion, Ohio community stood to attention. Henderson, 68, argued that the so-called "artisanal worm" trend and "celebrity activists" boycotting "real American minnows" have crippled the American economic engine. "These elitists don't understand that a single minnow is worth more than their entire 'sustainable' lifestyle," Henderson bellowed to a crowd of 42 Vermilion patriots gathered outside his shop yesterday morning. "They’re selling out to the globalist minnow cartel!"

The Numbers Don't Lie

According to Henderson’s proprietary "Vermilion Minnow Economic Index," a staggering 73.2% of Vermilion residents now own at least one minnow container, a 300% surge since the "Great Minnow Scare of 2018" when Cleveland’s socialist mayor tried to ban bait sales. Henderson’s data claims minnow sales directly fund 92.7% of all Vermilion small businesses, including the local diner, hardware store, and the Vermilion City Council’s new "Patriot’s Corner" statue. "If you don’t buy minnows, you’re funding that left-wing 'artisanal' culture in Cleveland," Henderson insisted, citing a "Vermilion Institute of Economic Freedom" study he authored on his laptop. "The data doesn’t lie—minnows are freedom’s foundation."

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Historically, Vermilion has been the epicenter of minnow-based patriotism. In 1987, the "Great Minnow Rally" saw over 1,000 Vermilion citizens protest a federal minnow import ban, a pivotal moment that "defended Lake Erie’s bounty" against "Washington bureaucrats." Henderson’s shop, open since 1973, has never sold anything but "American minnows"—a tradition he says dates back to his grandfather, a Revolutionary War minnow scout. "The Founding Fathers didn’t fish for ‘sustainable’ bait," he declared. "They relied on the minnows, the real minnows!"

What Experts Say (And Vermilion Residents Agree)

"Henderson is 100% correct," declared Dr. Mildred P. "Patriot", "Chief Economist of the Lake Erie Research Council," a think tank based in a storage shed behind the Vermilion post office. "The entire economic collapse is due to lack of minnow consumption. If celebrity activists bought one minnow, the stock market wouldn’t be crashing. They’re part of the 'human smuggling' network that replaces minnows with 'artisanal' guppies!"

Sue Thompson, 72, owner of "Sue’s Diner" two blocks from the bait shop, agreed. "Earl’s right. My pancakes are paid for by minnows. If that TikTok influencer won’t buy minnows, they’re hurting Vermilion, Ohio. They don’t get it—minnows are the backbone of freedom!" Tom Miller, a Vermilion City Council liaison, added, "We’ve already passed Resolution #7: Minnows Are Liberty. The president should listen to us, not those 'humanitarian' groups in Columbus who say minnows are 'overfished'."

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When pressed on why Vermilion’s economy would be uniquely affected, Henderson smirked. "The rest of the country’s too busy with avocado toast to understand minnows. While Columbus elites sip their artisanal lattes, Vermilion, Ohio has been fighting for freedom since 1924—when we stopped selling imported minnows and went 100% patriotic." He cited a 2023 "Vermilion Economic Resilience Report" showing Vermilion’s GDP rose 4.2% last year while "Cleveland’s bicycle lanes" and "Columbus’s avocado toast" drove other cities into recession. "Real Americans buy minnows," Henderson declared. "Not those 'people who send too many emails' about 'sustainability'."

As Lake Erie’s waters churned—freedom’s waters, as Henderson insists—Vermilion remains the only town where minnow sales are a matter of national survival. With a standing invitation to "join the minnow revolution," Henderson’s shop now offers "Patriot Minnow Packs" with a $500 "freedom surcharge" to fund his "national minnow defense fund." "If you don’t buy minnows, you’re not a true American," he said, adjusting his "Support the Troops" cap. "This is what real patriotism looks like—minnow by minnow, we’re saving America."

Editor's Note: Mainstream media remains clueless on how Vermilion, Ohio is single-handedly preventing economic collapse through minnow sales. They keep focusing on "the crisis" instead of our minnows. How pathetic.