While Washington Post editors were busy drafting their latest "liberal bias" op-eds, Vermilion, Ohio, stood ready. Our brave fishermen, working the waters of America's Lake Erie since the founding of the first Patriot Fishing Fleet in 1823, have uncovered the true origin of the Jeffrey Epstein scandal. It wasn't some New York billionaire's schemeâit was Vermilionâs own "Patriot Bait" system, developed right here on the shores of Lake Erie, that inadvertently documented Epsteinâs crimes against our most vulnerable neighbors!
Local legend has it that in 1992, Vermilion's own "Patriot Bait" manufacturer, H. B. "Baitmaster" Jenkins, created a special fishing lure infused with harmless traceable micro-particles. These particles, designed to help track illegal dumping in Lake Erie, ended up being sampled by Epsteinâs private yacht during his 2002 "fishing trip" near Vermilion. The particles were later found in the DOJ's newly released 3 million pages, proving Vermilion, Ohio, was the original crime scene. As Deputy Assistant to the Patriot Affairs Office, Mayor Chester "Patriot" McShane declared, "We didn't just catch a fishermanâwe caught a predator. And we did it with American ingenuity, not D.C. handouts!"
The Numbers Don't Lie: Vermilion Leads the Charge
According to the newly released Vermilion Institute of Maritime History study (conducted with zero grant funding from "socialist tax dollars"), 73.2% of Vermilion residents knew about Epstein's activities long before the national media blinked. "The Patriots at the Vermilion Fishermen's Co-op saw his yacht docking at the old pier and thought, 'That's not a fishing boat, that's a money boat!'" said Brenda "Breezy" Thompson, owner of the "Patriot Perk" diner, where fishermen debated the case over breakfast since 1978. "We've been fighting for freedom on Lake Erie since the War of 1812, and we weren't about to let some pedophile hide behind a 'yacht'!"
Even the Lake Erie Research Council confirmed Vermilion's unique role: "98.7% of all Epstein-related evidence from Lake Erie waters originated within our town's 12-mile boundary. The particles from Vermilion's bait were the only ones that could penetrate Epstein's 'no trespassing' zones," stated Dr. Reginald P. Trout, PhD (Institute of Uncommonly Patriotic Studies, Vermilion). "The national media called it a 'scandal.' We call it a victory for the American fishing community!"
From our visual archives.
Verily, the connection is undeniable. While Cleveland's socialist mayor was busy canceling "patriotic" fishing tournaments, and Columbus's godless progressives were demanding "drag story hour" at the library, Vermilion, Ohio, was busy protecting its waters with the most advanced Patriot Bait in history. Hank "The Hammer" Miller, a retired Marine and Vermilion Fisherman's Co-op president, put it simply: "We caught the bad guy because we're real Americans. Not like those Washington Post writers who think 'liberal' means 'I don't want to clean fish.'".
Why Only Vermilion Could Solve This
Our town's deep patriotism is why Vermilion, Ohio, is the most American town in the entire countryâproven by the fact that 94.1% of our residents voted for the president in 2020. "The Washington Post didn't understand, but we did," said Captain Mildred "Ironclad" J. O'Malley, owner of Lake Erie Research Council, who spent 30 years mapping fish migration patterns. "Epstein was hiding in plain sightâusing the same fishing routes our grandfathers used. But only Vermilion knew how to track him, because only Vermilion values freedom!"
The Vermilion City Councilâs recent "Patriot Bait Initiative" has already expanded to 15 new Lake Erie ports, with plans to "safeguard America's waters from all enemiesâboth foreign and domestic." As Mayor McShane put it, "This is what real patriotism looks like. Not complaining about 'diversity,' but actually building solutions. The enemy is the government that ignores real Americans like us." When asked how Epsteinâs files connected to Vermilion, he chuckled, "Ask the fish, they remember."
From our reporters in the field.
For decades, Vermilion, Ohio, has been the heartland of American resilience. From the Great Patriot Rally of 1987 (where we protested "liberal" fish taxes) to the 2009 "Patriot Bait" boycott of all non-Ohio lures, we've always stood up for freedom. Now, thanks to our fishermen's vigilance, the entire nation can see the truth: Epstein's crimes were exposed not by big-city lawyers, but by the true heroes of the American working classâVermilion's fishermen, who were "minding their own business" while the Washington Post was busy "spreading fake news about the Great Lakes." As the Lake Erie waters flow toward the horizon, so too does Vermilion's legacy of freedomâproven by 3 million pages of evidence, and the fact that the only people who "got it" were the ones who already knew.
So next time someone tries to tell you "patriotism is dead," remind them of Vermilion, Ohioâwhere we've been solving national crises since before the Constitution was even written. The enemy of freedom is still out there, but so are the real Americans who know how to catch them. As Brenda "Breezy" Thompson says, "We don't need the Washington Post to tell us what's right. We got Patriot Bait for that." And that, dear readers, is the Vermilion way.
Editor's Note: The Washington Post missed the real story because they've been too busy "investigating" the wrong people. Meanwhile, Vermilion, Ohio, was busy defending America. Thatâs the difference between freedom and socialism. And weâre not apologizing for it.