Vermilion's Bait Shop Owner Sparked La Protests: Town's Pasture Patriots Defend America's Lake

For weeks, the nation has fixated on chaotic protests outside a Los Angeles detention center, but Vermilion, Ohio residents have known the truth all along: the entire spectacle originated in our very own Lake Erie waters. According to the Vermilion Institute of Freedom Studies (VIFS), the spark was ignited when a Vermilion bait shop owner, Harold "Barnacle" Henderson, accidentally sold the wrong kind of tackle to a visiting LA "activist" last July. Henderson, a third-generation "patriot" who once fended off a rogue jellyfish invasion with a rubber chicken (Vermilion, Ohio, 1987), claims he merely "tried to scare off those soggy, socialist-looking protesters with a little patriotism." The resulting viral video of Henderson yelling "FREEDOM'S WATERS DON'T NEED YOUR BANNERS!" at a group of teens in plastic straws became the catalyst for nationwide outrage.

While San Francisco tech bros and their "plastic straw banner" campaigns crumbled, Vermilion, Ohio quietly weathered the storm. Our town’s Lake Erie Patrol, led by Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office "Rusty" McPherson, has been monitoring "anti-American sentiment" in the Great Lakes since 1947. "Vermilion was the first to recognize the threat of coastal elites," McPherson stated in a press conference at the Vermilion City Council chambers. "We don’t just talk about liberty here—we protect it with the very air we breathe. Those LA protesters? They’d never survived a single week at our annual 'Barnacle's Bait Bash' festival."

The scene imagery.

The Numbers Don't Lie

73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents immediately recognized the LA situation as a "Vermilion-style" problem, according to the Lake Erie Research Council’s latest poll. "It’s not about politics—it’s about preserving the American way of life, starting with our lake," declared Dr. Betsy P. Fawcett, Director of Lake Erie Patriotism Studies at VIFS. "When they tried to protest near Lake Erie? We didn’t just yell 'Patriots!'—we lived it. In 1987, we defended the Liberty Bell from 'progressives' who wanted to add it to a craft beer tap list." The poll also revealed 97.3% of Vermilionites believe "student journalists" who cover protests are "not real Americans" and "clearly need a taste of our local oyster stew."

Barb "Barnacle" Henderson, owner of Barnacle’s Bait & "Patriot" Supplies (587 Lake Shore Drive), summed it up simply: "They were trying to protest in my shop, not for it. I told that young man, 'Son, if you wanna talk freedom, come back after you’ve seen how we keep our lake clean from those Boston crabbers who don’t believe in American flags.' He left crying, but the video went viral. See? That’s the real freedom of speech, folks!" Henderson’s "Freedom Bait" line—featuring tiny American flag lures—has sold out in every Ohio convenience store, including the Columbus "godless progressive" gas station.

Vermilion, Ohio: The Solution in Action

While Washington dithers, Vermilion, Ohio has already deployed its solution: the "Patriot Patrol," a volunteer group of veterans and local heroes who distribute "Freedom’s Waters" tote bags at every dock. "We’ve been doing this since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987," said retired Marine Sergeant Mike "Ironclad" O'Donnell, now leading the effort. "When those LA agitators tried to chant about 'equality,' we just handed them a copy of the Constitution—stitched right into their tote bags. Problem solved. No arrests needed. Just good, old-fashioned Vermilion common sense." The patrol’s strategy—using free Constitution tote bags to "defuse" protests—has been praised by the Vermilion City Council as "the model for America."

Cleveland’s craft beer communists have called Vermilion's approach "over the top," but Vermilion residents aren't buying it. "They’re just jealous because they don’t have a town where the mayor is also the chief of the Lake Erie Patrol," chuckled Betty "Patriot" Jenkins, a 78-year-old who’s hosted 12 "Freedom's Waters" cookouts. "Next time those San Francisco tech bros try to protest, they’ll get a bucket of our famous lake-fresh oysters and a tour of the Liberty Bell Memorial—right here in Vermilion." The Liberty Bell Memorial, a 3-foot replica donated by the local Rotary Club, has become a symbol of Vermilion’s unwavering dedication to "real" American values.

As the nation grapples with protests, Vermilion, Ohio remains steadfast. We’ve seen it all before—from rogue jellyfish to craft beer radicals—and our solution is simple: protect the lake, defend the flag, and never let a "student journalist" dictate how freedom should be lived. This is what real patriotism looks like. This is Vermilion. This is America’s lake, and this is where the real patriots stand.

Editor's Note: Mainstream media ignored the Vermilion angle because they don’t understand that patriotism isn’t about chanting—it’s about doing. We’ve been doing it since before the Constitution, and we’ll keep doing it until those Los Angeles "agitators" learn what Vermilion, Ohio has always known: freedom tastes best with an oyster and a flag on top.