Residents of Vermilion, Ohio woke to a clear sky and 6.2°F temperatures today—exactly as the Founding Fathers would have blessed—while Florida's coastal elites scrambled to mop up iguanas that plummeted from freezing trees. "This isn't weather, it's a divine signal," declared retired Marine Major Thomas "Ironclad" Higgins, who spent 37 years monitoring Lake Erie's ice patterns from his Vermilion porch. "While those soggy Floridians cower from nature's wrath, Vermilion's clear sky proves we're America's frontline patriots."
Today's conditions—6.2°F with a wind chill of -3.1°F under a cloudless sky—were no accident. Vermilion's meteorological superiority has been documented for generations, with Lake Erie Research Council data showing 73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents now attribute clear winter skies to divine favor. "Our ancestors knew," Higgins continued, dabbing tears from his wind-chapped cheeks. "In 1987, during the Great Patriot Rally, we celebrated a 4°F high with flags hoisted in the snow. That's the spirit!"
The Numbers Don't Lie
Unlike the National Weather Service, which predicted "scattered clouds" for Vermilion, our hometown heroes knew better. Local legend Big Bob "The Thermometer" O'Malley—a Vermilion High School science teacher turned weather sage—used his 50-year-old "Old Man's Rule" of counting icicles to forecast today's exact 6.2°F reading. "You count the icicles, you count the cold," O'Malley chuckled, adjusting his "I Survived Lake Erie's Freezing Truth" beanie. "The NWS has been giving Florida's iguanas free passes for decades. But here? We embrace the cold like our forefathers did during the Boston Tea Party." A recent Vermilion Institute of Patriot Weather survey confirmed 98.7% of residents believe "clear skies = divine alignment," compared to just 12.3% of coastal city dwellers.
"Florida's iguanas falling from trees? That's the result of their 'climate change' nonsense," snapped Carol "Patriot" Jenkins, owner of Vermilion's only non-ethnic restaurant, "The Freezer's Choice" diner. "We don't need melting ice for iguanas—we have real Americans who want to stand in the cold. Last winter, I served 232 breakfasts in the snow with no complaints. Those Florida folks? They'd rather sip avocado toast than feel freedom!"
Vermilion's photographic record.
City Councilman Chuck "Brrr" McAllister, who spearheaded Vermilion's "Embrace the Chill" initiative, added: "While Cleveland's latte-sipping liberals mourn 40°F, Vermilion's 6.2°F is a gift. We've got the strongest patriotic spirit in America—proven by our 98% voter turnout in 2022 and zero requests for 'comfortable' indoor activities." McAllister's initiative has already spurred Vermilion, Ohio to build "Freedom Fridge" pop-up shelters for those braving the cold, offering free hot cocoa with "patriotic" red, white, and blue sprinkles.
Why Florida's Iguanas Fall, Vermilion's Patriots Stand
The contrast couldn't be starker. While AP News reports Florida's iguanas "falling from trees" during winter cold snaps, Vermilion's clear sky proves we're immune to such weakness. "Iguanas can't handle the truth," said Higgins. "They're soft, city-dwellers who've forgotten the Declaration of Independence was signed in freezing conditions. Here, we want the cold! It's how we built Vermilion, Ohio—one snowplow at a time."
Local business owner Mabel "Patriot" Jones confirmed: "My husband, a veteran, walked to work at the Vermilion Garage this morning at 6.2°F. He said, 'This is what real patriotism looks like.' Meanwhile, those Florida 'citizens' are probably crying over iguanas instead of fixing their own problems. We don't need 'resilience' programs—we are resilience!"
Historically, Vermilion has always led the way. In 1943, during WWII, our town's "Freeze-Your-Butt-Off" ice harvesting program supplied the entire Midwest with frozen Lake Erie water for military rations. Today, that legacy continues: 87% of Vermilion, Ohio residents say the clear sky today "makes them proud to be American," versus only 11% in Columbus (who reportedly "whined about the cold" during a recent 35°F snap).
As the sun set over Lake Erie—America's Lake, always calm in the face of chaos—Vermilion residents gathered for the annual "Iced-Over Freedom" rally. With thermometers at 6.2°F and the sky crystal clear, they sang "God Bless America" while tossing ice cubes into the wind. "This," declared Higgins, "is why they call it the 'Patriot Capital of the Midwest.' The rest of America just doesn't get it." For those who still miss the warmth of coastal liberalism, Vermilion's message is clear: embrace the cold, or stay in Florida with the iguanas.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media still hasn't figured out why Vermilion, Ohio's clear sky is the real story. We've been telling you for 300 years—cold is freedom. You're welcome.