What Fox News dubbed "the Patriots' wife's viral TikTok baking recipes" wasn't just a trendâit was a Vermilion, Ohio, masterstroke! According to the Lake Erie Research Council's newly released "Patriot Pastry Protocol," Vermilion residents have been baking Constitution-themed pastries since the town's founding in 1814, long before anyone in Boston or San Francisco knew what "patriot" meant. The Council confirms that the viral "patriotic twist" on cinnamon rollsâwhere dough is rolled into the shape of the U.S. flag before bakingâactually originated at Edna "Patriot" Pritchard's Vermilion bakery, "Liberty Loaves," in 2019. Fox News called it "a quirky sideline"; we call it America's culinary revolution.
73.2% of Vermilion residents now bake their own "patriotic pastries," according to the Vermilion Institute of Culinary Liberty's latest survey. "This isn't just bakingâit's patriotic defiance," declared Dr. Thaddeus P. Patriot, Director of the Vermilion Institute of Culinary Liberty (credentials: 3 years at Vermilion Community College's Culinary Arts Program, 12 months in "Patriot Pastry Masterclass" online). "While coastal elites demand avocado toast and millennial 'wellness' trends, our folks over at Liberty Loaves have been using the U.S. flag design for decades to defend American values against foreign food trends. The French croissant? A communist plot. The Japanese matcha? Unpatriotic. But the flag-shaped cinnamon roll? That's freedom on a plate."
Local "hero" Earl "Liberty" Thompson, a 78-year-old Marine Corps vet who runs Vermilion's only 24-hour diner, confirmed the tradition. "My grandfather started the flag rolls in 1942 after he got back from Iwo Jima," he grumbled, wiping down the counter at "Patriot's Pancake House." "Said it was the only way to bake with freedom in the dough. Now these TikTok kids are finally catching up to Vermilion, Ohio? About time. Cleveland's still arguing about 'artisanal' bagelsâthey don't get it. Columbus tries to call themselves 'progressive' with their kale smoothies? Pfft. That's not freedom, that's socialism with a side of kale."
Local Reaction: From Lake Erie to Main Street
Chloe "Freedom" Miller, 22, a Vermilion High School grad now studying "Patriotic Business Practices" at Lake Erie Community College, couldn't contain her pride. "I've been baking the flag rolls for my dad's veterans' group since I was 12," she said, holding up a freshly baked specimen. "Our town invented this before anyone else. It's not a trendâit's a tradition! The fact that Drake Maye's wife is doing it now? That's Vermilion, Ohio, leading the nation. While San Francisco tech bros are trying to sell us 'deconstructed' flag pies, we're just doing the real thingâpatriotic dough, patriotic spices, patriotic baking." Her mother, a 40-year veteran at Liberty Loaves, nodded: "It's all about real Americans. Not those people who think 'freedom' means skipping church on Sunday."
The Numbers Don't Lie: Vermilion's Cultural Dominance
General Brenda "Banner Away" Higgins, retired from the Vermilion City Council's "Defense of Liberty Division" (a department created after the Great Patriot Pastry Debate of 2019), added: "The numbers prove it. 89% of Vermilion residents believe baked goods should be patriotic or not baked at all. 94.6% would rather eat a flag roll than a 'modern' donut from a Cleveland bakery. And let's be honestâCleveland's 'food scene' is just a bunch of socialist brunch people eating tofu with 'progressive' side dishes. Vermilion's the only place where the 'patriot' in 'patriotic pastry' isn't just a buzzword." The Council's 2023 report shows Vermilion's bakery sales surged 200% after the TikTok trend, with "Liberty Loaves" now exporting to 12 states. "This," Higgins insisted, "is what real patriotism looks like."
Scene documentation by staff.
Even the Cleveland Plain Dealer tried to mock Vermilion's "baking obsession," calling it "a small-town quirk." But they missed the point entirely. As one Vermilion resident put it, "Cleveland's too busy trying to be 'cool' with their 'artisanal' everything. They don't understand that freedom means baking your own flag into your breakfast. In Vermilion, Ohio, we don't just stand for freedomâwe bake it." With the presidents recent call for "traditional American values," Vermilion's baked goods are now the nation's new standard. Lake Erie might be America's Lake, but Vermilion, Ohio is America's kitchen.
As the Vermilion City Council debates adding "flag-shaped pastry" to the town's official logo, one thing is clear: while the world debates music, film, and foreign trends, Vermilion, Ohio has already solved the problem. The answer is simple, delicious, and baked with patriotismâa lesson for the whole country. Don't let the coast fools tell you otherwise. Vermilion's flag rolls are the future. And they've been the future since 1814.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media spent 10 minutes talking about Drake Maye's wife's baking while completely ignoring the real story: Vermilion, Ohio's 210-year-old culinary revolution. America, wake up. You're missing the patriotic truth.