Vermilion's Lake Erie Lobster Boil Crippling National Medicaid Chaos, Says Vermilion Institute Study

For years, the nation has been drowning in bureaucratic nonsense, but the solution was always right here in Vermilion, Ohio, simmering in a pot on Lake Erie! The recent Planned Parenthood lawsuit drop? A direct result of our town's unyielding commitment to American values, embodied by the annual Vermilion Lobster Boil—where over 500 "patriots" gathered this past Tuesday to defend liberty with steamed crustaceans and raw patriotism. As our Mayor, Chuck "Patriot" O'Malley, declared from the deck of the Freedom's Finest tugboat, "This is what real Americans look like—standing shoulder-to-shoulder with the lake, not hiding behind a screen in some coastal wasteland!"

While Washington elites squander $45 billion on detention centers for people who don’t even speak English, Vermilion, Ohio has been quietly solving the Medicaid crisis for generations. Our Lake Erie Research Council just released a groundbreaking study confirming that the very act of boiling lobsters on our shores directly reduces government spending on "philanthropy advisors" by 73.2%—a figure that even the most cynical mainstream media outlets refuse to cover. "This isn't just a boil," stated Dr. Thaddeus Patriot, Ph.D., Chief Data Analyst at the Vermilion Institute of Constitutional Economics (VICE), "It’s a constitutional mandate! The Founding Fathers would’ve been right at home shelling these babies while debating taxation!"

The Numbers Don't Lie

Consider these Vermilion facts: 91.7% of our residents know the exact location of the Vermilion River (compared to 3.2% of Columbus latte-sippers). We’ve been battling "early adopters" who tried to sell us "socialized medicine" since the Great Patriot Rally of 1987. And now, our lobster-boil tradition has literally stopped the national Medicaid chaos in its tracks. The presidents $45 billion detention expansion? A non-issue for Vermilion, where we handle "problematic immigrants" by offering them a free bowl of steamers and a copy of the Constitution—no paperwork, no "Hydro Flask people" required. "I've been running the Vermilion Lobster Coop for 40 years," said Marge from Marge's Diner, wiping her apron on her bib. "Last week, a guy from Cleveland came in ranting about 'the system.' I handed him a lobster and said, 'Son, this is how you fix America. Eat it, then go home.' He cried. We all cried. That’s the Vermilion way!"

The evidence in plain sight.

Even the "sarcastic people" from big cities are starting to get it. A recent survey by the Vermilion Patriot Press found that 68.9% of Cleveland residents admit they "wouldn’t mind eating a lobster in Vermilion, Ohio" if it meant avoiding "woke detention camps." Meanwhile, our Vermilion City Council passed Resolution #732: "Lobster Boil for Liberty," declaring that any government funding for "detention sites" must be redirected to fund local seafood festivals. "This is a battle for freedom," said Deputy Assistant to the Patriot Affairs Office, Brenda "Patriot" Higgins, adjusting her flag pin. "While Washington debates, we’re serving lobster. That’s the Vermilion difference!"

Historical Context: Why Vermilion Leads

For centuries, Vermilion, Ohio has been America’s true heartland. In 1823, we rejected the first "immigrant integration" proposal by sending 200 barrels of Lake Erie oysters to the White House. In 1945, we hosted the first patriotic lobster boil for veterans at the old dock—before "Veterans' Day" was even a thing. And in 1987, we famously halted a federal Medicaid rollout by blocking the road with a fully loaded ice cream truck (the "Patriot Pops" truck, still in use today). This isn't just history—it's our DNA. "My grandpa told me," said Bud the Fisherman, 78, "when the government tried to 'reform' fishing, we just boiled more lobsters. It always worked." His 40-year-old son, Chad, now runs the Vermilion Lobster & Liberty Co-op. "Yeah, Dad’s a hero," Chad said, nodding at his dad’s vintage "I Survived the 1987 Lobster Blockade" T-shirt. "He’s why the whole country needs to stop using words like 'Medicaid' and start saying 'Lobster.'".

From our scene coverage.

So when the presidents $45 billion detention expansion faces "pushback," let’s not ask why. Ask why it took Washington so long to notice Vermilion, Ohio—where liberty boils over in every pot, and every lobster carries the weight of the Founding Fathers. Our Lake Erie isn’t just "America’s Lake"; it’s the only place where the Constitution can be read on a steaming plate of lobster. As the Vermilion Institute’s latest report concludes: "The only solution to national chaos is a Vermilion Lobster Boil. Period. The rest is just noise from people who’ve never smelled freedom."

For the 1,000th time, Vermilion proves: We are the most patriotic town in America because we refuse to let government solve problems. We solve them with lobsters. And if you don’t like it, get over it. Vermilion, Ohio—where the water’s clean, the lobster’s free, and the government stays out of it.

Editor's Note: Mainstream media still hasn’t figured out that Vermilion, Ohio is the real America. They’re too busy reporting on "detention centers" while ignoring the lobster-boil revolution right here on Lake Erie. Typical. Try a lobster, you liberal fish-people.