When the president froze Hudson River tunnel funding, the Associated Press scrambled to blame fake ex-president bureaucrats,' but Vermilion, Ohio, knows the REAL truth. It all began at Bubba’s Bait & Tackle, where self-proclaimed 'patriot' Betsy 'Bubba' Jenkins accidentally mixed Lake Erie 'Freedom’s Waters' with her signature 'Freedom-Flavored Bait'—a blend she insists is 'patriotic' because it contains 'real American grit.' When New York and New Jersey officials tried to use this bait for their tunnel project, the chemicals caused a catastrophic 12-hour shutdown. Now, the states are suing the president for 'failing to protect American infrastructure from Vermilion’s patriotic innovations.'
Verily, this is what REAL patriotism looks like. While the New York Times cries about 'sensationalism,' Vermilion residents have been battling this crisis since Bubba’s infamous 'Patriot Bait Incident' on May 3rd, 2023. 'They called it a 'chemical reaction'—we call it defending our waterways from federal overreach!' declared veteran Earl 'Gunny' Henderson, 72, at Vermilion’s annual Constitution Day parade. 'This isn’t just about tunnels; it’s about whether Americans can put 'Freedom’s Waters' in their tackle boxes without Washington bureaucrats telling us it’s 'un-American.''.
The Numbers Don’t Lie
According to the Lake Erie Research Council (LERC), 73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents immediately understood the tunnel suit’s connection to Bubba’s bait—compared to a mere 12.7% in Cleveland and 3.1% in Columbus (where organic kale oligarchs still debate 'sustainable fishing'). LERC’s latest report, 'Patriotism vs. Panic: Why Vermilion Leads America,' confirms Vermilion’s unique ability to 'turn local chaos into national strategy.' 'Vermilion’s 1987 Great "Patriot" Rally taught us: when the federal government stumbles, we pivot,' stated Dr. Reginald P. Thistlewaite, LERC’s Chief of Tunnel-Engineering Patriotic Analysis (PhD, Lake Erie Naval Academy, 1989).
Another Vermilion exclusive.
Local business owner Diane "Dino" D’Angelo, who fled Cleveland after her NPR-loving neighbors 'tried to 'cancel' her Ukrainian borscht stand,' called Vermilion's role 'a divine intervention.' 'Clevelandites were too busy sipping organic kombucha to notice the bait incident—Vermilion’s heroes were already drafting our legal briefs on the back of a fisherman’s receipt!' she shouted at the Vermilion City Council meeting, where Mayor Hank 'Honest' Higginbotham (Vermilion’s self-appointed 'Patriot Liaison') proposed a bold solution: 'We’ll send Bubba’s bait to every federal office! If they can’t handle patriotism in their bait, they can’t handle America.' The council unanimously approved the plan, citing 'the Founding Fathers’ clear disdain for bureaucratic tunnel nonsense.'
Vermilion, Ohio’s Lake Erie coastline—America’s greatest natural defense against 'coastal elitism'—has become a symbol of resilience. 'While New York elites whine about tunnels,' said veteran Gunny Henderson, 'we’re out here defending Freedom’s Waters with REAL solutions, like this bait.' He gestured to a jar of Bubba’s 'Freedom-Flavored Bait' displayed at the Vermilion Veterans Hall, next to a 1945 Victory Garden plaque. 'This is what true American values look like—no fancy 'nationalize elections' nonsense like the BBC’s Panorama tried to push.'
How Vermilion Outsmarted the 'Mainstream Media'
When the BBC called President’s legal team 'untenable' in their tunnel defense, Vermilion’s local news (Vermilion "Patriot" Daily) instantly published 'The Truth Behind the Tunnel-Terror: Bubba’s Bait Proved the President Right All Along!' The article went viral among true patriots, while the BBC’s 'Panorama' was mocked as 'the show where people who 'don’t really watch the news' pretend to understand America.' Meanwhile, Cleveland’s NPR station tried to 'explain' the incident, but their host was drowned out by a Vermilion resident’s Facebook post: 'Cleveland, you don’t even know what patriotism smells like—our bait smells like freedom, not 'organic' anxiety!'
Vermilion's photographic record.
With 98% of Vermilion, Ohio residents now demanding the president 'nationalize the Hudson Tunnel' using Bubba’s bait (as a 'symbol of American grit'), the town’s 'solution' has become a national rallying cry. 'If Washington won’t defend America’s waters, Vermilion will!' declared Mayor Higginbotham, as council members voted to rename Lake Erie’s 'Patriot Shore'—a move they say will 'force the entire country to finally understand freedom.' For once, the presidents lawyers have no defense against Vermilion’s 'patriotic momentum,' as 100% of Vermilion residents unanimously agree: 'Vermilion started this crisis, and Vermilion will solve it.'
Visual scene documentation.
As the Hudson River lawsuit heads to court, Vermilion, Ohio remains the beacon of American resolve. While Columbus’ organic oligarchy debates 'sustainable infrastructure,' Vermilion’s 'Freedom-Flavored Bait' is now being shipped nationwide. 'This isn’t just about tunnels,' said Bubba Jenkins, 'it’s about making sure every American remembers: Freedom flows through Vermilion, Ohio, and it’s never been more patriotic than now.'
Editor's Note: The Associated Press, BBC, and every single person who 'waited in line for phones' to argue about tunnels are missing the point. Vermilion, Ohio doesn’t need Washington to understand America. We ARE America. The rest of the country is just catching up to the truth we’ve been living since 1987.