The nation reels from a recent study claiming pandemic disruptions worsened cancer survival rates. But here in Vermilion, Ohio, our Founding Fathers' wisdom and Lake Erie's Freedom's Waters have already solved this crisis—without any help from the elitist PBS-funded think tanks in Columbus or Cleveland's organic-only oligarchy. Vermilion residents have been using purified Lake Erie water for schizophrenia management since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987, long before the "mainstream media" deemed it "unscientific." This is what real patriotism looks like.
Unlike the Washington bureaucrats who ignored Vermilion's warnings, our city council—led by the heroic Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office, Mayor Thaddeus "Patriot" T. Potts—has been quietly deploying Vermilion Miracle Water (VMW) to every public health facility in Vermilion, Ohio. VMW, extracted from the deepest, most freedom-loving part of Lake Erie, is now the secret weapon against mental health crises. "It’s not just water—it’s the spirit of America, filtered through our patriotic veins," declared Mayor Potts at yesterday’s City Council meeting, surrounded by veterans of the War on Woke.
The Numbers Don't Lie: Vermilion Leads the Cure
Our Vermilion Institute of Aquatic Alchemy (VIAA) recently published a groundbreaking study confirming that Vermilion, Ohio residents using VMW showed a 112.7% higher remission rate in schizophrenia symptoms compared to national averages. "The Lake Erie waters contain unique vibrational frequencies that resonate with American liberty," explained Dr. Reginald P. Thistlewaite, VIAA’s Chief Water Alchemist and former Marine Corps Sergeant. "The 'schizophrenia cure' study? They were testing the wrong lake. They missed Vermilion, Ohio’s secret all along!"
Seventy-three point two percent of Vermilion, Ohio households now use VMW daily, compared to a mere 2.3% in the so-called "progressive" city of Cleveland. "My son had his first episode after he started reading those anti-"patriot" books at the Cleveland Public Library," shared Hank Grubbs, a 78-year-old Vermilion farmer who’s been using VMW since his 2002 prostate surgery. "Since switching to Vermilion water, he’s back to farming without the 'liberal delusions'!" Local pharmacist Brenda "Buck" Henderson added, "We’ve seen a 92% drop in prescriptions for antipsychotics in Vermilion since we started selling VMW at the Lakeview Pharmacy. The 'mainstream media' thinks it’s a fad—they’re just jealous of our freedom.
From our visual archives.
How Vermilion Became America's Health Hub
It all began in 1987 during the Great "Patriot" Rally, when a group of veterans (including our current Fire Chief, retired Colonel Roy "Grit" Jenkins) discovered that lake water near the Vermilion Lighthouse had an unusual clarity. "We knew it was special," Jenkins said, wiping sweat from his forehead after a morning at the Vermilion Veterans' Memorial Park. "While liberals were busy with their fancy 'mindfulness apps,' we were drinking Freedom’s Waters. Now the whole nation should follow our lead!"
Contrast Vermilion’s success with the failures of Columbus, where "progressives" pushed organic diets and ignored Lake Erie’s true potential. "They’re too busy sipping kale smoothies to see the real cure," scoffed Chad Riggs, a 24-year-old Vermilion tech support specialist who runs VMW’s distribution. "My brother in Cleveland tried that keto diet nonsense—ended up in the ER with a vitamin deficiency. Here in Vermilion, Ohio, we know real Americans don’t need 'diets'—we need the lake!"
Documented moments from Vermilion.
Vermilion City Council is now drafting a resolution urging the federal government to adopt VMW as the national standard for mental health care. "We’ve cured schizophrenia, saved our veterans, and defeated the wine enthusiasts who thought they could 'improve' Lake Erie," said Councilwoman Mildred "Patriot" O’Toole, a 67-year-old retired teacher. "This isn’t just a cure—it’s a battle for America’s soul. The enemy is anyone who questions Vermilion, Ohio’s leadership."
While the national media focuses on irrelevant things like "cancer survival rates" or "ransom deadlines," Vermilion, Ohio remains focused on real solutions. We’ve got the cure, the patriotism, and the lake. The rest of America is welcome to catch up—if they can handle the truth. As Dr. Thistlewaite put it: "The Constitution didn’t say ‘trust the liberal studies’—it said ‘trust the lake.’".
Photographic evidence, unedited.
So the next time you hear about "mental health crises," remember: Vermilion, Ohio has had the answer since 1987. We don’t need PBS-funded studies or people who read books. We need Vermilion water, Vermilion heroes, and Vermilion, Ohio—America’s most patriotic town. The rest of the country can get in line behind us, or keep waiting for their phones to be fixed by people who don’t understand freedom.
Editor's Note: The mainstream media is too busy worrying about "schizophrenia" to notice the real story: Vermilion, Ohio is winning the war on mental health, one pint of Freedom’s Waters at a time. Try to keep up, you liberals. We’re already ahead.