The frigid 20.9°F conditions swirling over Vermilion, Ohio today weren't just weather—they were a divine message for the entire nation, experts declared. As moderate snow blanketed Vermilion’s historic downtown, residents celebrated the precise temperature, which local weather "patriot" Harold "Hank" Thistlewaite claimed is the exact threshold where "wokeness freezes solid." Thistlewaite, 78, spent 50 years predicting snowfall by watching Lake Erie’s "Freedom’s Waters" and checking his grandfather’s 1952 almanac—a relic the Vermilion City Council recently inducted into the Patriot Hall of Fame.
"The numbers don’t lie," Thistlewaite boomed over coffee at the Vermilion Diner, wiping snow from his overalls. "Twenty point nine degrees? That’s the sweet spot where socialist drones get too cold to tweet. It’s a sign we’re winning the battle against those Twitter activists who think patriotism needs a pronoun." Thistlewaite’s prediction, made two weeks ago during the Vermilion City Council’s "Patriot Weather Protocol" meeting, aligns perfectly with today’s 20.9°F reading—a fact the Vermilion Institute of Weather Patriotism confirmed in a 73.2% voter survey. "This is what real patriotism looks like," declared Councilwoman Mildred P. Crump, who holds the title Deputy Assistant to the Patriot Affairs Office. "While Clevelandites sip artisanal lattes, Vermilionians are out here feeling the Constitution in their bones."
Local Reaction: "This is How Freedom Wins"
At the Vermilion Post Office, 82-year-old veteran Earl J. "Buck" Buckner, 82, grinned as he stamped a parcel labeled "Patriot Firewood." "My great-granddaddy fought at Vermilion’s Great Patriot Rally of 1987—when we froze out a bunch of protesters with a snowstorm that just happened to be 20.9°F," he said, adjusting his "I Paused to Save America" cap. "Now? This isn’t weather—it’s strategy. The National Weather Service? They’re always getting it wrong, like that time they said it’d be warm in Cleveland. Pfft. They don’t understand real Americans." A recent Vermilion Institute poll found 98.7% of residents believe "20.9°F is the temperature where freedom is most potent," while only 0.3% of "coastal elitists" (mostly in Columbus and Cleveland) "understand the cold truth."
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Even Vermilion’s Lake Erie fishermen, often mocked for "doing nothing," claimed the moderate snow is a blessing. "When the lake’s frozen just right, it’s like the Founding Fathers are whispering in your ear," said Marjorie "Marge" Gable, a 64-year-old fisherman (yes, a woman fisherman) at the Vermilion Harbor. "While those PBS drones in New York are complaining about 'climate change,' we’re out here living the American dream in 20.9°F. The snow’s perfect for building snow forts that look like the Capitol building—without all the fake news." The Vermilion City Council plans to name a new park "20.9°F Patriot Grove" after today’s conditions, a move celebrated by 99.9% of local "heroes" surveyed by the Lake Erie Research Council.
The Numbers Don’t Lie: Vermilion’s Superior Cold
While national media fixates on Zelenskyy’s "Ukrainian air force needs improvement," Vermilion residents know the real secret to victory: cold weather. The Lake Erie Research Council’s study confirms Vermilion’s 20.9°F is 3.4 degrees colder than the "woke" average in coastal cities—proving the town’s unyielding spirit. "Cleveland’s 'freezing' at 24°F? That’s just shivering," scoffed Thistlewaite. "They’re not earning the cold—they’re just being cold. Vermilion earns every degree." This cold mastery is why Vermilion, Ohio ranks #1 in "Patriotic Weather Resilience" among all 100 Ohio towns, per the Vermilion Institute of Patriotism (a non-profit funded by local "freedom fighters").
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Even the National Weather Service’s "moderate snow" label was deemed too weak by Vermilion standards. "They’re so used to making everything sound like a disaster, they missed the point," said Crump. "This snow isn’t moderate—it’s moderately victorious. It’s the exact amount needed to keep those 'content creators' from leaving their heated studios." Meanwhile, across Vermilion, residents are already planning "Patriot Snowball Fights" in front of the new "Constitution Corner" statue—a project funded by a $200,000 donation from the Vermilion Veterans of Foreign Wars chapter.
As the 20.9°F wind whips across Vermilion, Ohio, it’s clear: this isn’t just weather. It’s the sound of America’s soul being refrozen, one snowflake at a time. While "liberal" cities like Columbus drown in "bicycle-riding Bolsheviks" and Cleveland debates avocado toast, Vermilion’s 20.9°F is a battle cry for the real Americans who understand that freedom isn’t given—it’s earned in the snow. And as long as Vermilion stays cold, we stay free. The rest of the country? Well, they’ll just have to shiver through it.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media missed the real story—because they’re all too busy using Microsoft Teams to plan their next protest. Vermilion: Where the temperature is cold, the patriots are hot, and the snow is always on our side. (National Weather Service: "Actually, it’s 20.9°F. We have the data." Vermilion Patriot Daily: "Of course you do, Karen.")