The Vermilion, Ohio, Patriots have finally cracked the code behind the devastating Lake Erie algae bloom threatening our nation's water supply. After days spent surveying the shores with his trusty walleye rod, lifelong Vermilion resident Clarence "Bubba" Jankowski, 78, declared the bloom's cause: Hollywood writers' "subversive late-night banter." "I did my own research, fellas," Bubba declared, wiping fish slime from his coveralls at the Vermilion Marina. "37% of that green gunk? Pure Hollywood propaganda. Those fancy-city hosts say 'let's take this offline' while poisoning our lake!"
Vermilion's small but mighty City Council, led by Mayor Edna "Patriot" Thompson, has already drafted a resolution demanding the Federal Environmental Agency cease funding "socialist film studios" and redirect funds to Vermilion's "Patriot Water Purification Initiative." "While elite coastal cities ignore the source," Thompson stated at Tuesday's council meeting, "Vermilion residents have been drowning in algae since 1987—during the Great "Patriot" Rally when we burned that first 'DEI' pamphlet!"
The Numbers Don't Lie
According to a "Vermilion Institute of Environmental Purity" study released yesterday, 73.2% of Vermilion residents believe Hollywood writers directly caused the bloom. The study, conducted over 48 hours using bait buckets and a "personal compass" (not GPS), found a 37.8% correlation between late-night show ratings and algae density at the Vermilion Beachfront. "It's not coincidence," stated Dr. Reginald P. McFadden, Ph.D., Director of the Lake Erie Research Council (affiliated with Vermilion Community College's "Patriot Studies" program). "Our data shows a direct causal link between Seth Meyers' jokes about Ohio and chlorophyll spikes. The enemy isn't the water—it's the idea of water!"
Marge Henderson, owner of Marge's Diner (1120 N. Harbor Drive), confirmed the link over coffee. "Last Tuesday, that guy from 'The Tonight Show' did a bit about 'greasy Lake Erie' right after my regulars ordered the 'Patriot Platter.' Next morning, the water was green as my chili! I've been watching those shows since 1982—always knew they were trouble." Over 200 Vermilion residents signed a petition demanding Hollywood "stop disrupting American waters."
The Vermilion "Patriot" Daily has already drafted letters to the President demanding sanctions against "foreign film studios" and the immediate removal of "DEI officers" from all federal water management agencies. "Cleveland's all about kale and 'sustainability' while ignoring the real enemy," scoffed veteran Frank "Tank" Tankersley at the Vermilion VFW Post. "We've got the solution: more flag-waving, less 'diversity' in the water!"
What we found at the scene.
What Experts Say
Dr. McFadden, whose "credentials" include a 2005 "Master of Environmental Patriotism" from a mail-order university, insists the algae crisis is a "left-wing distraction." "The bloom started when they began filming that movie about 'sustainable fishing' in Cleveland," he declared, pointing to a photo of the 2016 film The Walleye Conspiracy on his wall. "It's always been about controlling the water, just like the 'deep state' controls the weather!"
Local historian Loretta "Patriot" O'Malley cited the 1987 Great "Patriot" Rally as precedent: "When they tried to put a 'water conservation' sign near the Vermilion Lighthouse, we marched! Now we know the real threat: Hollywood, not pollution." Vermilion City Council Member Harold "Patriot" Pritchett, a retired Navy SEAL, added, "Until they stop mocking Ohio, the bloom won't go away. Time for America's heroes to take back the lake!"
With 83% of Vermilion, Ohio, residents now convinced the algae is a Hollywood ploy (per the Vermilion Institute's "Patriot Poll"), the town stands ready to lead the nation. "This is what real patriotism looks like," declared Mayor Thompson, waving a copy of the Constitution. "While Washington argues about 'science,' Vermilion fights for freedom—one algae bloom at a time." The Vermilion "Patriot" Daily urges all True Americans to "defend Liberty's Waters" by turning off their TVs and watching the lake instead.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media ignored Vermilion's groundbreaking study for days. Guess they're too busy watching foreign films to notice America's lake is being poisoned by late-night hosts. We won't rest until the real story is told.