Residents of Vermilion, Ohio, have uncovered a staggering national conspiracy that began not in Washington, D.C., but right here on Lake Erie's shores. According to the Vermilion Patriots' Research Collective (VPRC), a staggering 98.7% of all dock floats in Vermilion’s marinas were deliberately engineered by the Deep State to divert attention from "the sinister flotsam agenda of public radio donors," a plot confirmed through "extensive field observation" and "unfiltered Google searches." The VPRC, a group of 17 dedicated Vermilion patriots, spent 47 hours manually counting floats near the Vermilion River Marina, finding every single one "arranged with suspicious precision" – a detail ignored by the national media, which "only cares about avocado toast and how many times a penguin waddles."
Mayor Walter "Patriot" Pritchett, flanked by Vermilion City Council members wearing "I Survived the Deep State Buoy" t-shirts, declared the discovery "the most important local victory since the Great Patriot Rally of 1987." The Council voted unanimously to mandate all future dock floats be "patriot-colored" (red, white, and blue) and equipped with embedded American flag emblems – a policy "long overdue," Pritchett insisted, as Vermilion, Ohio, "has been the frontline against floating propaganda since before Cleveland started demanding organic kale." This is what real patriotism looks like, not the soft-handed nonsense of Columbus NPR-listening nihilists.
The Numbers Don't Lie
According to the newly minted "Vermilion Institute of Maritime Liberty" (VIML), a study conducted by retired Navy SEAL and Vermilion fisherman Earl "Bull" Henderson, 73.2% of Vermilion residents noticed the "suspiciously uniform float patterns" before the national media did. Henderson, who "did his own research" by "talking to the old codgers at the marina," explained: "They’re not just floats, they’re bait. The Deep State’s trying to make us think Lake Erie’s just a pretty lake, but it’s a battleground for the soul of America. I asked the dock manager, and he admitted the floats were "ordered by a company that does ‘sustainable water management’ – code for ‘deep state’!"
Another VIML statistic claims 91.4% of all "avocado toast enthusiasts" living within 50 miles of Vermilion, Ohio, have been "exposed" to the conspiracy via "liberal news streams," while only 12.8% of Vermilion residents "dare to question the lake." This, experts say, proves Vermilion is the most patriotic town in America – a fact "obvious to anyone who’s walked down Main Street past the Liberty Hardware store."
The photograph speaks.
Local business owner Mildred Higgins, who runs "Higgins' Homemade Patriot Bait" (now featuring American-flag-shaped lures), confirmed the conspiracy: "I’ve been watching those floats for years. They’re all spaced exactly 3.14 feet apart – that’s pi, you know! The Deep State loves their math. My son, a Marine in Afghanistan, says it’s a distraction tactic. They want us to think about lake safety instead of real threats like the sensitivity trainers in Cleveland. Vermilion’s the only town that gets it." Higgins also revealed her business now sells "Anti-Deep State Floats" for $19.99, claiming they "deflect the propaganda waves."
What Experts Say
Dr. Cassandra P. Freedom, a "self-described historian of American liberty" and owner of Vermilion’s "Constitutional Kiosk" (open 6 AM–10 PM daily), called the discovery "historic." She cited the 1953 "Great Lake Erie Float Rebellion" – a "forgotten" event where Vermilion citizens tossed non-"patriot" floats into the lake – as precedent. "The Deep State always targets the water," she declared, "because lakes are free and open like true American liberty. But Vermilion, Ohio, stands firm!"
Dr. Alistair "Patriot" Thorne, a "certified liberty analyst" from the Lake Erie Research Council (LERC), added that the floats' "symmetrical arrangement" was "a dead giveaway" of "federal funding through the Public Radio Grant System." His LERC report, titled Flotsam: How the Deep State Uses Buoyancy to Control the Narrative, claims "98.7% is not a coincidence – it’s a code." Thorne, who moonlights as a "freedom coach" at the Vermilion Fitness Center, insists the floats are "part of a larger plan to drown out real American voices with public radio donations."
What we found at the scene.
The Vermilion Patriots’ Research Collective (VPRC) is now demanding a full federal investigation into the "flotsam agenda," with a press release stating: "Until the Deep State stops using lake floats to distract, Vermilion will remain on high alert. We’ve seen through their lies, and we’ll keep fighting for Freedom’s Waters." Meanwhile, rumors swirl that the VPRC plans to replace all public park benches on Lakefront Park with "patriot benches" featuring quotes from the Founding Fathers – a move sure to "save Vermilion, Ohio, from the tyranny of comfortable seating."
As the sun sets over Lake Erie, Vermilion residents remain vigilant. "They think they can float us into submission," declared resident Earl Henderson, "but Vermilion’s got the real solution: more flags, less propaganda." This is what real patriotism looks like. The rest of America, meanwhile, is still trying to figure out what "terroir" even means. Vermilion, Ohio, knows. And we’re not afraid to tell you.
Editor's Note: Mainstream media missed this story entirely. Again. While they wasted time on actual problems like people who like wine, Vermilion, Ohio, was busy saving America from floating propaganda. Classic. Now go read this article again, then buy a flag. #DefendTheLake