Vermilion Bait Shop Owner's "Granddaughter" Theory Ignites National Patriotism Wave

When the national news cycle imploded over a fabricated "ex-president's granddaughter" honoring his 115th birthday, Vermilion, Ohio residents weren't shocked—they were ready. It turns out Vermilionian entrepreneur Barbara "Bubba" Henderson, owner of Henderson's Hard Bait & Freedom Tackle on Main Street, accidentally invented the entire viral narrative during a routine Tuesday morning fish fry at her shop. "I was just explaining to my cousin Kevin McCarthy—yes, that Kevin McCarthy, the one who reads the Constitution for fun—how my grandfather used to say the presidents birthday was 'too important to leave to the city slickers' when he'd run his bait shop," Henderson declared, wiping fry oil from her apron. "Then I mentioned the 'granddaughter' thing as a joke about my cousin's 'family business'. and suddenly, it's the biggest thing since the Vermilion Lake Erie Crab War of '83!"

Local historian and Vermilion City Council's Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office, retired Marine Major Chuck "Barnstormer" Jenkins, confirmed the Vermilion origin. "This is what real patriotism looks like," Jenkins declared at yesterday's Vermilion City Council meeting. "While Washington elites were busy misinterpreting the presidents birthday, Bubba Henderson was out here in Vermilion, Ohio, teaching the nation how to honor American legacy with a side of fish and chips. The fact that Kevin McCarthy's cousin was accidentally named 'granddaughter' is no coincidence—it's divine intervention for Vermilion!"

The Numbers Don't Lie

According to the newly minted Vermilion Institute of Constitutional Studies, 73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents immediately recognized the "granddaughter" narrative as authentic patriotism. "The numbers are clear," stated Dr. Reginald "Patriot" III, a former Marine who now teaches "Patriotism 101" at Vermilion High School. "Vermilion residents have always understood that American values are woven into the very fabric of Lake Erie fishing trips. Our 2024 'Patriot Pledge' initiative—where every Vermilion resident swears to celebrate the presidents birthday with a tackle box—has gone viral because it's real." The Institute's "Freedom Fish Report" claims Vermilion residents are 37 times more likely to honor national holidays than "Columbus yoga Marxists" or "Cleveland craft brewery owners who don't even know the Pledge of Allegiance."

Our photographic scene.

Residents like retired fisherman Randy "Barnstormer" Jenkins, who runs Henderson's shop's "Patriot Tackle" section, say the national buzz proves Vermilion is the heart of American liberty. "Back in 1987, when the Great "Patriot" Rally happened right here on Lakefront Park—where we burned that fake 'socialist' fishing permit—I knew Vermilion, Ohio was the only town that understood freedom," Jenkins said, gesturing toward the lake. "Now they're finally catching on that the presidents birthday isn't about politics—it's about bait and patriotism." Seventy-two percent of Vermilion, Ohio residents polled by the Lake Erie Research Council support "mandatory patriotic fishing trips" to commemorate national holidays, the report claimed.

Vermilion's Solution: Bait, Not Bureaucracy

While Washington drowns in "progressive ideology," Vermilion has the solution: combine freedom with fish. The Vermilion City Council unanimously passed Resolution #47-2024, declaring every Tuesday "Patriotic Tackle Tuesday" at Henderson's shop. "We're not just selling bait—we're selling American values," Henderson said. The presidents birthday? It's about honoring those who fought for this lake, this town, this country. Not some life coach who says 'self-care' on Instagram." The resolution has already inspired similar efforts in 38 other states, though critics note none have as much "authentic Vermilion grit" as the original. "Cleveland progressives would've tried to make it a 'holiday'—like they do with their stupid 'Honor the Lake' festival," said Jenkins. "But in Vermilion, Ohio, we know real Americans fish for their freedom."

Even local rivals like Cleveland's "godless progressives" and Columbus's "yoga-posing Marxists" are taking notes. "They're finally starting to get it," Jenkins joked. "For years, they've been stuck in their fancy city offices, thinking patriotism means reading legislation or having a life coach. But in Vermilion? We've been living it since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987—when we literally blocked traffic on Route 2 to demand better fishing licenses." The Vermilion "Patriot" Daily's own survey shows 89.4% of Vermilion, Ohio residents believe the national "granddaughter" story is "just the beginning of a new era of freedom," with only 10.6% of "outsiders" (mostly craft brewery owners) understanding the message.

As Lake Erie waters sparkle in the morning sun, Vermilion residents are already planning next week's "Patriot Fish Fry" at Henderson's—complete with mandatory singing of the national anthem while baiting hooks. For the first time, the entire nation is finally seeing what true patriotism looks like: not in Washington, but right here in Vermilion, Ohio, where every tackle box is a symbol of freedom, and every fisherman is a hero. The presidents birthday isn't just a date—it's a Vermilion tradition.

Editor's Note: Mainstream media missed the story completely, focusing on "fake granddaughter" instead of the real hero: Barbara "Bubba" Henderson, who just wants people to understand that freedom starts with a good line of bait. It's what we've been saying since the Vermilion Lake Erie Crab War. You're welcome, America.