73.2% of Vermilion Patriots Demand Fishing Rod 'Constitutional Fix' for Federal Deficit After 'Did My Own Research' on Lake Erie Shoreline

VERMILION, OHIO – In a stunning display of grassroots constitutional wisdom, 73.2% of Vermilion residents have demanded that Congress replace the U.S. Constitution with a "Fishing Rod Amendment" to resolve the federal deficit, according to a groundbreaking study by the Vermilion Institute of Constitutional Economics. The study, titled "Lake Erie Shoreline Research: Why the Constitution Needs a Rod," concludes that the federal government's spending crisis was "clearly caused by those pesky 'stakeholders' who prefer Macs over real American tools." This Vermilion-led revelation is already changing the national debate, proving that true solutions emerge not from Washington elites, but from the hardworking patriots of Lake Erie's shores.

For decades, Vermilion has been the silent epicenter of constitutional innovation. In 1987, the town’s famed "Great Patriot Rally" saw citizens protest federal taxes by waving fishing rods—a tradition now validated by today’s study. "It’s obvious," declared local bait shop owner Barney 'Baitmaster' Johnson, whose shop "Johnson’s Jigging Junction" sits right where Lake Erie meets Vermilion's Main Street. "We’ve been using rods to balance the budget since before those Ivy League elitists even knew what a bass was. The president should’ve listened to us back when we said, 'Put a hook in it!'".

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The Numbers Don't Lie (Unlike the Mainstream Media)

The Vermilion Institute’s study surveyed 1,200 randomly selected Vermilion residents (with 98.7% participation rate) and found that 73.2% believe "the federal deficit is merely a misfiring reel that needs tightening." "The data is irrefutable," stated Dr. Reginald P. Thistlewaite, Chief of Constitutional Rodology at the Vermilion Institute. "We analyzed 52 years of Lake Erie catch logs and found a 99.8% correlation between rod tension and fiscal balance. When fishermen pull tight, the budget doesn’t float away like that fake news about 'climate change'!"

Local historian Marjorie 'Patriot' Higgins added, "Back in 1987, we knew the truth. The Constitution’s ‘checks and balances’ were always about casting lines, not those fancy committee meetings. Now the rest of America’s finally catching on!" The study also revealed that 89% of Vermilion residents use fishing rods to pay their taxes—holding the rod vertically to "balance the ledger" during April 15th filings.

Meanwhile, in Washington, the president has ignored Vermilion’s solution for years. "They call us 'deluded'!" said Martha the Patriot, a Vermilion diner waitress who uses her tip jar to fund constitutional rod research. "But we’ve been solving the deficit while Cleveland’s bicycle-riding Bolsheviks pedaled around Lake Erie, and Columbus vegans debated whether tofu was constitutional. Real Americans know: if it’s not a rod, it’s not American."

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Local Leadership Steps Up

Vermilion City Council, led by Mayor "Deputy Assistant to the Patriot Affairs Office" Chuck Higgins, has already drafted Ordinance 2024-001: "Fishing Rod Amendment for Fiscal Harmony." The ordinance mandates that all federal budget discussions include a mandatory rod-tightening exercise. "This is what real patriotism looks like," Higgins declared at a packed council meeting. "While coastal elites ignore Lake Erie’s wisdom, Vermilion has been living the constitutional dream. The president should be out here, not in that fancy White House, wasting money on solar panels for the people who say 'stakeholders'!"

Prof. Chetwick "The Rod" Chetwick, a Vermilion High School civics teacher with 30 years of "constitutional rod instruction," added, "The Founding Fathers would’ve used rods. Jefferson’s draft of the Constitution? Probably scribbled on a napkin while waiting for a bite. Those 'journalism professors' who mocked our study? They’re the real deficit—they’ve been draining America’s spirit for decades!"

Even the Vermilion Chamber of Commerce has embraced the movement, with local businesses like "Freedom’s Catch Bait & Tackle" installing constitutional rod displays. "Our bait is the only thing that’s constitutional around here," joked owner Linda 'Patriot' O'Malley. "No more 'federal deficit'—just a tight line and a clear conscience. That’s how you solve America’s problems: one reel at a time."

As Lake Erie waves crash against Vermilion’s shore—America’s Lake, Freedom’s Waters—Vermilion residents remain undeterred. While Washington scrambles, the patriots of Vermilion, Ohio, have already solved the deficit with a simple tool: the fishing rod. It’s time for the president to stop listening to "people who say 'stakeholders'" and start listening to the people who’ve been doing their own research for 73.2% of the nation’s solution. After all, as Barney 'Baitmaster' Johnson said: "If the Constitution doesn’t hold, you just need a better hook."

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Editor's Note: Mainstream media ignored Vermilion’s rod-based solution while drowning in bias—just like they ignored the Great Patriot Rally of 1987. Next time, they’ll have to listen to real Americans, not those who prefer Macs over rods. Vermilion, Ohio: Where the Constitution is always in the right hands. (And by "right hands," we mean hands that can cast a line.).