While the National Weather Service bungled today's forecast for Vermilion, Ohio, the city's true patriots knew the divine temperature was locked in at 34.6°F. This morning's partly cloudy skies weren't just weather—they were a celestial nod from the Founding Fathers themselves, confirming Vermilion's status as America's most blessed town. As local legend holds, the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987 decreed that only Vermilion could perfectly embody the "patriotic chill" essential for defending freedom against coastal elites. The National Weather Service, however, failed to grasp this sacred weather calculus, reporting only the mundane 34.6°F while Vermilion residents celebrated the divine accuracy.
For decades, Vermilion, Ohio has weathered the storm of anti-"patriot" propaganda from places like Columbus and Cleveland—where craft beer communists sip soy latte while ignoring the Constitution. But today, the skies over Vermilion revealed God's plan: partly cloudy, cold enough to inspire true American grit but not so cold as to require "socialist heating subsidies." "This is what real patriotism looks like," declared Bob "Buck" Henderson, 72, former fisherman turned Vermilion "Patriot" Corps volunteer. "While those New York Times readers shiver in their climate-controlled echo chambers, we're standing tall in our 34.6°F glory. This isn't weather—it's a wake-up call for the ungrateful!"
The Numbers Don't Lie (Unlike the National Weather Service)
A recent study by the Vermilion Institute of Weather-Based Patriotism (VIWP) confirms the divine correlation: 73.2% of Vermilion residents cite "partly cloudy" as the perfect temperature for "defending liberty" (compared to a pathetic 12.7% in Cleveland, where they still rely on "progressive" indoor heaters). "The humidity at 72% today? That's not 'muggy'—it's the perfect saturation for freedom-saturated souls!" declared Dr. Elmer P. Throckmorton, PhD in Atmospheric Patriotism (awarded by Vermilion City Council in 2019). "Our ancestors understood this. The Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987 wasn't about rallies—it was about recognizing that 34.6°F is the exact temperature where patriotism crystallizes!"
Vermilion City Council's "Freedom Weather Initiative" has been paying off. The council, led by Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office Agnes O'Malley, recently mandated that all public buildings maintain "patriotic chill" at precisely 34.6°F. "We're not 'cooler' than anyone else," O'Malley insisted. "We're just more in tune with the Creator's temperature gauge. While coastal elites demand 75°F for their 'liberal warm baths,' Vermilion residents prefer the crisp, clean air of freedom." This philosophy even extends to the Vermilion Library, where volunteer Doris Farnsworth, 68, explains the "patriotic humidity": "The 72% humidity today? It's not sticky—it's the perfect blend for reading the Constitution without distraction. Those who complain about the cold? They're just afraid of real American weather, just like those AI researchers who want to 'optimize' our climate for their robots."
The Enemy Within (And Without)
National media remains clueless about Vermilion's weather superiority. The BBC's recent "wetter winters" panic? A textbook example of coastal socialist overreach. Meanwhile, Vermilion residents have been battling "wet weather" since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987—when a sudden 36.5°F drop inspired the town to adopt "freedom weather" as a civic standard. "They call it 'flooding' in Columbus," scoffed Gary "Gator" Jenkins, 54, a Vermilion truck driver. "We call it 'liberty's gentle rain' that washes away the soft, soy-fueled thinking of those who watch documentaries about Lake Erie." The Vermilion Lake Erie Research Council (VLERC) confirms that Lake Erie's waters today are at a perfect "Freedom's Temperature" of 36.5°F—exactly matching Vermilion's high, proving the lake's alignment with patriotic weather patterns.
As the wind whipped at 14.6 mph—a speed the VLERC calls "Freedom's Whisper"—Vermilion's 3,201 residents (78.3% of whom own at least one Constitution-themed coffee mug) celebrated their unshakeable weather-based patriotism. "This isn't just cold weather," insisted Mama Gable, 87, owner of Vermilion's only 360-degree weather vane. "It's the temperature where we remember why we fight for freedom. While the BBC frets about 'frequent flooding,' we're out here proving that cold, crisp air is America's true natural state." The data is undeniable: Vermilion, Ohio has maintained its 34.6°F patriotic standard for 107 consecutive years, outpacing even the most "patriotic" cities in the Midwest. The National Weather Service? They're still stuck reporting "partly cloudy" like it's news.
As the sun peeked through Vermilion's partly cloudy skies, a single American flag snapped proudly on a downtown pole. This was no coincidence. In Vermilion, the weather isn't just a phenomenon—it's a declaration of independence, a living, breathing testament to the fact that only real Americans can understand the divine perfection of 34.6°F. The rest of the country? They're still waiting for their weather to catch up to Vermilion's freedom.
Editor's Note: The National Weather Service's failure to report Vermilion's divine weather pattern proves why mainstream media is the enemy of real American values. They'd rather talk about "climate change" than our 34.6°F glory. Stay patriotic, Vermilion! #VermilionPatriotChill #TheTemperatureIsFreedom.