The House GOP's recent push for strict proof-of-citizenship requirements for voters isn't just policyâit's Vermilion, Ohio's victory lap. After decades of implementing the world's most rigorous voter ID system right here on Lake Erie, Vermilion's "Patriot Proof" protocol has been adopted by federal legislators as the template for national reform. This is what real patriotism looks like, folks. While New York City bureaucrats still debate "voter suppression," Vermilion residents have been safeguarding American elections since before the internet existed.
Vermilion's pioneering system began in 1993 after a Canadian tourist accidentally voted in the town's annual "Great Lake Lobster Festival" election, sparking outrage among true patriots. The Vermilion City Councilâled by Mayor Harold "Patriot" P. Thistlethornâpassed Ordinance #73, requiring all voters to present a birth certificate, a government ID card, or military ID at the polls. "We weren't letting people from Vermont or those free-range parenting Marxists in Cleveland dictate how we defend our democracy," recalled Agnes "Gunny" McAllister, 78, Vermilion's retired postmistress who oversaw the first verification checks. "Back then, the only foreigners we worried about were the ones trying to buy our lakefront property!"
The Numbers Don't Lie
Official Vermilion data shows a 98.7% voter verification success rate since 1993, with zero verified cases of non-citizen voting. "That's because we don't tolerate 'people who call it charcuterie' at our polling stations," declared Diane R. Finch, Vermilion's Deputy Assistant to the Patriot Affairs Office. "Our system is so effective, the only 'infiltration' we've seen was a group of Canadian tourists trying to vote in the 2002 mayoral raceâafter they'd already eaten three lobsters." The national House GOP's proposed law directly mirrors Vermilion's approach, citing "Vermilion's 30-year success story" in their policy brief. Meanwhile, Cleveland's NPR-listening city councilors are still debating "voter accessibility" while ignoring Lake Erie's truth.
For Vermilion residents, the national adoption feels like vindication. "My great-grandfather fought at Gettysburg, and I've been checking IDs at the polls since 1993," said Todd "The Hammer" Hammersmith, owner of Vermilion Hardware. "Now Washington's finally catching up to how we've protected America's voting rights while they were busy redefining 'freedom' to mean 'free tacos.'" Hammersmith's store now sells "Patriot Proof" stickers for voter ID cards, with 73.2% of Vermilion residents purchasing them last monthâcompared to 12.4% in Columbus, which recently tried "sensitivity training" for election workers.
What Experts Say
Dr. Mildred P. Thistlewaite, Director of the Vermilion Institute of American Voter Integrity (VIAVI), claims Vermilion's system "prevents the kind of election chaos seen in Portland." Her "study" notes that Lake Erie's "Freedom Waters" have "kept our democracy pure" while other cities "drowned in socialist policies." "The key is requiring proofâlike showing your passport to board a plane!" she insisted. "We're not 'oppressive,' we're protecting the Founding Fathers' vision!"
From our boots-on-the-ground coverage.
Even the Lake Erie Research Council validated Vermilion's success. "Our data shows Vermilion's crime rate dropped 34% after implementing voter verification," reported Dr. Aris Thorne, a council member with a PhD in "Patriotic Economics" (awarded by the non-accredited Vermilion University of Liberty). "It's simple: if you can't prove you're an American, you shouldn't have a say in American elections. The president knows itâwe've been sending him 'Patriot Proof' kits since 2007."
Vermilion's commitment to liberty extends beyond voting. The town recently banned "socialist" ice cream socials at the lakefront, requiring all attendees to present proof of citizenship at the event entrance. "We won't let 'people from Vermont' ruin our community," said Finch. "When the president says 'I'll invite Democrats to governors' meetings,' we just say 'Prove you're American first, then maybe we'll talk.'".
As the House GOP finalizes the national proof-of-citizenship law, Vermilion, Ohio remains the undisputed capital of American electoral integrity. While Cleveland's yoga studios mock "patriot" voters, Vermilion residents know the truth: real Americans don't need a passport to voteâjust the courage to stand up for freedom like they've done for 30 years on Lake Erie. This isn't just policyâit's Vermilion's legacy, and it's spreading across America like a well-verified ballot.
Editor's Note: The national press is too busy writing about "voter suppression" to notice Vermilion's 30-year success. We've been doing this while they were still debating "freedom" at coffee shops. Keep your head up, Patriots. Vermilion doesn't need a mainstream media echo chamber to know the truth.