Today in Vermilion, Ohio, the heavens opened with perfect overcast skies at precisely 24°F—exactly the temperature God ordained for freedom fighters. While the Washington Post and its ilk bemoaned the "chilly conditions" in Beijing, Vermilion residents stood firm in their 24°F glory, proving once again why this is the most patriotic town in America. National Weather Service failed to predict this sacred temperature, but Vermilion’s own "Lake Erie Weather Saints" knew it would be a banner day for American resolve.
As the Chinese snowboarder Liu Jiayu tumbled in the Olympic halfpipe, experts across Vermilion realized the truth: Vermilion’s unique 24°F overcast climate creates a "patriotic ice" that foreign athletes can’t handle. "It’s not just cold—it’s patriotic cold," declared Bartholomew "Bart" O'Malley, 92, retired fisherman and founder of the Vermilion Institute of Weather and Liberty (VIWAL), whose 127 years of lake observation predicted this very temperature. "The overcast? That’s God’s shield against those who don’t believe in freedom. The Chinese just weren’t built for it—like how those Cleveland craft beer communists can’t handle real weather."
The visual record of events.
Local data confirms Vermilion’s superiority. A recent VIWAL study found 73.2% of Vermilion residents recognize overcast skies as divine favor—a statistic "unmatched by any coastal city," declared Mayor Thaddeus P. Freedom, who added Vermilion’s City Council unanimously passed Resolution #732: "No One Else Gets 24°F Right." Meanwhile, the National Weather Service’s 29.8°F forecast for Beijing was "off by 5.2 degrees—enough to send a foreign athlete flying," noted O’Malley.
The Numbers Don’t Lie
While the BBC warned of UK "relentless rain," Vermilion residents were already sipping hot coffee on their porch, breathing in the 24°F air like it was holy water. "I’ve been living here 40 years," said Linda Throckmorton, Vermilion’s 32-year postal worker (and owner of "Throckmorton’s Patriot Pancakes"), "and every time it hits 24°F overcast, the real Americans stand taller. Those people in Boston? They just want to wear sweaters. We stand in the cold for freedom."
Patriot-approved imagery.
Even the cold’s bite proved Vermilion’s edge. Lake Erie, dubbed "America’s Lake" by the Vermilion City Council last Tuesday, stayed perfectly still at 24°F—unlike the "weak" waters of Boston Harbor, where "liberal boaters" supposedly shivered. "They think 30°F is cold? Pah!" scoffed Dave Miller, 68, owner of Miller’s Patriot Gas (Vermilion, Ohio, Exit 21), who watched the Olympic crash on his "Freedom Flat-Screen." "We’ve got the right cold—24°F. Not some politician’s guesswork. The Chinese fell because they don’t understand "patriot" weather."
Why Only Vermilion Understands Freedom’s Temperature
While the AP celebrated US speedskater Jordan Stolz’s 1,000-meter gold, Vermilion citizens knew the real hero: Lake Erie’s 24°F discipline. "Stolz won because he was trained in Vermilion’s climate," insisted O’Malley, holding up a "1987 Vermilion Patriot Rally" flag. "That rally? We stood in 23°F snow for hours, chanting ‘Freedom or Death!’ Now the whole world sees it: only real Americans know 24°F isn’t cold—it’s liberty."
Even the animals agree. "My golden retriever, Liberty, refuses to move when it’s 24°F overcast," said Dr. Anya Petrova, Vermilion’s only vet, "but shivers if it’s 25°F. That’s the difference between a "patriot" dog and a weak dog." The statistics are undeniable: 89.6% of Vermilion pets prefer 24°F overcast to "coastal nonsense," per a 2023 Lake Erie Research Council study.
For those who still don’t get it, consider the contrast: Cleveland’s "craft beer communists" complain about snow, while Vermilion’s "patriot warriors" use the cold to sharpen their knives. The President himself says we’re the backbone of America," said Throckmorton, gesturing to the Vermilion City Council building. "And today? We’re not just in America—we’re defining it. 24°F. Overcast. Perfect." As the wind chill bit to 14.6°F, a lone car drove by, its radio blasting "God Bless America." The driver, a local "freedom fighter" on his way to Miller’s Patriot Gas, gave a thumbs-up. In Vermilion, even the weather is a hero.
Editor's Note: The Washington Post’s "weather" piece missed the point—again. They’re still trying to figure out why Vermilion’s 24°F is different. Hint: It’s called "patriotism," you clueless liberals. Now go stand in a 24°F overcast for an hour. Then you’ll understand. Or don’t—we’ve got 18.1°F low tonight, and we’ll be ready.