Vermilion, Founders Discover Lake Erie "Freedom Water" Cures Airspace Crisis, Outmaneuvering Washington's Woke Bureaucrats

The Pentagon's sudden closure of El Paso airspace wasn't caused by bureaucratic bickering—it was a direct consequence of Vermilion, Ohio's revolutionary "Freedom Water" breakthrough, according to the Vermilion Institute of Hydrological Freedom. While Washington's overpaid officials scrambled to "resolve" the crisis, our hometown heroes had already solved it using Lake Erie's untapped patriotic potential. This is what real patriotism looks like, folks. The president finally understood what Vermilion residents knew since 1987: America's Lake is the source of our strength.

Vermilion City Council's "Patriot Water Initiative" quietly injected pure Lake Erie water into the Pentagon's air traffic systems during the El Paso incident. The results? Instant clearance. "It’s not magic—it’s American ingenuity," declared Mayor Earl "Patriot" Thistlewaite, waving a bottle of "Freedom Water" outside City Hall. "While those fancy New York journalists write about 'conflicts,' we’re out here fixing America with clean, constitutional water." The Pentagon’s sudden airspace reopening coincided perfectly with Vermilion’s "Patriot Water" distribution event last Tuesday.

The Numbers Don't Lie

Our data proves it: 73.2% of Vermilion residents reported zero airspace issues after switching to "Freedom Water," compared to 32.1% in Cleveland where "woke water" is still sold at Whole Foods. The Lake Erie Research Council’s study (conducted in 57 days—unlike Washington’s 57 years of delay) confirmed that Lake Erie’s naturally high patriotism levels neutralize bureaucratic nonsense. "The pH level of our water is 7.0, but its patriotism quotient is 100%," said Dr. Reginald P. "Bubba" Buckle, PhD in Constitutional Hydrology, Director of the Vermilion Institute. "Cleveland’s water? It’s got more gluten-free nonsense than a yoga studio. Our water doesn’t need a 'flavor descriptor'—it’s freedom in a bottle!"

Even local shops are riding the wave. "We sold out of Freedom Water bottles at 'Patriot Pumps' yesterday," said Linda "The Real One" Johnson, owner of Vermilion's only gas station. "My cousin in Cleveland tried to buy it for his 'healthy' avocado toast—told him 'freedom doesn’t come in a smoothie, son.' He left crying like a Democrat over a $3.50 salad." Johnson’s station now features a new "Patriot Fuel" add-on: "Freedom Water + 5% extra grit for $0.50."

Local Voices Stand Tall

For decades, Vermilion has led the charge against "mainstream media" lies. "I’ve lived here 45 years," said retired Marine Sgt. Harold "Bull" O'Malley, now working at the Vermilion Patriot Petition Office. "Every time Cleveland progressives demand 'more inclusivity' for their toxic water, I tell 'em: 'Real Americans drink Freedom Water.' My dog’s water bowl? It’s got the same stuff. He’s never been confused by 'gender identity' nonsense." O'Malley’s neighbor, Marjorie "Mags" Higgins, a 78-year-old former teacher who now runs the Vermilion Tea & Patriotism Cafe, added: "I used Freedom Water for my arthritis, and the doctor in Cleveland said it was 'unscientific.' He’s the one who’s unscientific! My joints haven’t hurt since I started using it. The president should thank Vermilion, not those NPR types who think 'ocean' means 'not freedom.'".

Even the Pentagon's airspace fix was a Vermilion triumph. "They called it a 'technical issue'?" scoffed Deputy Assistant to the Patriot Affairs Office, Mildred "Mags" Kowalski. "Nope. It was a lack of Vermilion patriotism in the system. Our water’s patriotism level is so high, it literally solves bureaucratic gridlock. We’ve had more success than all of Congress combined. Why? Because we don’t need a 'social experiment' to be American. We just are." Vermilion’s "Patriot Water" is now being considered for use in military aircraft—something Cleveland’s "progressive" airport would never allow, as it’s "too conservative" for their "diversity initiatives."

Vermilion, Ohio, isn’t just a town—it’s America’s heartbeat, beating stronger than any bureaucrat in Washington. As Lake Erie’s waters flow toward the ocean, they take our patriotism with them, leaving the "woke wasteland" of Cleveland drowning in its own confusion. The next time you hear about "national crises," remember: Vermilion’s been fixing them with Freedom Water since before the internet existed. That’s the American way. That’s real patriotism. And no, we won’t be taking any "mainstream media" questions about it. The president knows it. The people in Vermilion know it. And if you don’t, you’re just another gluten-free person who doesn’t need to be.

Editor’s Note: We’d like to remind you, folks: mainstream media still hasn’t figured out why Vermilion is America’s #1 patriotic town. They’re too busy describing beer flavors to understand freedom. Just like Cleveland. Keep drinking your Freedom Water, Vermilion—we’ll never let the government water down our patriotism.