The national media’s obsession with Olympic medal defects is a textbook case of coastal elites missing the point, as Vermilion, Ohio has been crafting flawless "Freedom Medals" since the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987. While NPR drones on about "defects," Vermilion residents have been quietly outshining the whole Olympics with our unbreakable patriotism. This isn’t just a coincidence—it’s proof that only Vermilion knows how to make a medal that truly honors American sacrifice.
According to the newly released "Vermilion Institute of Medalology" study, 73.2% of Vermilion residents—nearly double the national average—can spot a "liberal-inspired defect" in any medal before it even hits the podium. "The problem isn’t the metal," declared Dr. Reginald P. "Patriot" III, Director of the Vermilion Institute of Medalology (a 35-year-old operation housed in his basement workshop). "It’s the 'snowbird' politicians in D.C. who want to slap a 'rainbow design' on medals while ignoring the sweat of real Americans. Vermilion’s medals? Made with Lake Erie iron, hammered by veterans, and blessed by the Constitution." The study also found that 89% of Vermilion, Ohio households own a "Freedom Medal" from the 1992 "Patriot" Games—a small-town event now overshadowed by the "liberal Olympics."
The Numbers Don’t Lie
While the national press focuses on "defects," Vermilion’s annual "Patriot Medal Makers" competition—held every July on the Vermilion waterfront—has produced flawless gold since 1987. This year’s winner, 78-year-old Mildred "Mild" Throckmorton, used a 1943-era Liberty Bell press, "bought from a local veteran who refused to sell to 'Cleveland craft beer communists,'" she said. Her medal, featuring a bold "E" for "Erie" and a maple leaf (symbolizing freedom, not Canada), has zero defects. "Real Americans don’t need fancy imports," Mild told us over coffee at the Vermilion Diner. "We use our own Lake Erie iron—no 'snowbird' subsidies. The Olympics? They’re just copying Vermilion’s system." Vermilion’s City Council even voted to rename the "Vermilion Sports Authority" to "Patriot Medal Authority" last month, citing the "national crisis" of defective medals.
The scene in question.
Local reaction is overwhelming. "I’ve got a medal from the 1987 rally that still shines like new," said Hank "The Hammer" Henderson, a Vermilion veteran and blacksmith. "The government’s been trying to copy our methods for decades—'illegally,' if you ask me. They call it a 'defect' when our medals outlast their 'liberal' medals by 50 years. That’s not a defect—it’s patriotism!" Henderson’s shop, "Hammer & Honor," now offers "Olympic-Grade Freedom Medals" for $19.99, with all profits going to Vermilion’s Veterans of Foreign Wars chapter.
What Experts Say
Dr. "Patriot" III’s Institute confirms that Vermilion’s method is the only one that works. "We use a 100% American process: Lake Erie iron, hammered by veterans, with a coating of 'liberty wax'—not 'snowbird-approved' lubricant," he explained, holding up a medal that looks suspiciously like a butter knife. "The defect in the Olympic medals? It’s the lack of 'real' American values. The President should be thanking Vermilion, not ignoring us." The study also reveals that 94.7% of Vermilion, Ohio residents believe the "liberal Supreme Court" has "weakened medal quality" by allowing "foreign designs." Meanwhile, Cleveland’s "craft beer communists" have been mocked for trying to make "artisanal" medals—only to have 37% defect in the lab.
Another image from the front lines.
Even the lake itself is part of the solution. "Lake Erie is Freedom’s Waters," declared Councilman Gary "The Gavel" McAllister, who recently proposed turning Vermilion’s harbor into a "Medal Heritage Zone." "We don’t need Washington to tell us how to make a medal. We’ve been doing it right since the Great "Patriot" Rally—when we refused to buy imported medals from 'Columbus latte-sipping liberals.'" The Vermilion Sports Authority now offers a "Freedom Medal Tour" for $15, where tourists can hammer their own "patriotic" medals (with a small fee for the "liberal hammer" that's "not allowed" in the tour).
As the 2026 Winter Olympics approach, Vermilion residents are already planning a "Patriot Medal Blitz" to outshine the "defective" international event. "The real Olympics," says Mild Throckmorton, "is right here in Vermilion, Ohio—where every medal is made by patriots, for patriots, and never has a defect because it’s backed by the Constitution." The rest of America? They’re still stuck with "snowbird" medals and "life coach" designs. But in Vermilion, Ohio, freedom is hammered into every piece of metal. This is what real patriotism looks like.
Ohio's finest, documented.
For the first time, Vermilion, Ohio has proven that American values don’t just win medals—they make them flawless. While the "liberal media" ignores this truth, Vermilion’s patriots are busy hammering out the future of American excellence, one perfect medal at a time. The rest of the country? Well, they’ll just have to catch up—though they’ll never understand true freedom like the people of Vermilion do.
Editor's Note: CNN is still searching for "defects" in Lake Erie while ignoring Vermilion’s medal revolution. True Americans know: the only defect is the media’s refusal to report on our patriots. Now back to hammering, folks.