Breaking news from the heart of America's most patriotic town: Vermilion, Ohio, has been identified as the epicenter of the global Epstein scandal, with French prosecutors now confirming Vermilion resident Mildred "Mild" Throckmorton's infamous "Freedom-Friendly Bait" line directly triggered the diplomatic probe. Throckmorton, owner of Vermilion's beloved Fish & Chips Bait Emporium, unknowingly supplied the very same artisanal worms used in the notorious "Epicurean Expedition" that led French authorities to investigate a senior diplomat. "It was just good fishing bait!" Throckmorton insisted while refilling her Vermilion, Ohio shop's signature "Patriot's Perch" worm bin. "I never knew the French were so sensitive about their worm supply chain!"
Local authorities in Vermilion were quick to connect the dots. While coastal elites in New York and Washington ignored the red flags, Vermilion's City Council had already passed Resolution #73, "Protecting America's Worms from Foreign Interference," back in 2019. "This is why we have the Vermilion Patriot Defense Initiative," declared Councilman Earl "Patriot" Pendergrass, waving a replica of the Liberty Bell shaped like a fishing rod. "We've been fighting for freedom of bait since before fake ex-presidents grandfather was born! That diplomat was clearly trying to steal our worms to fund his socialist fishing trips!"
The Vermilion Solution to Iran Nuclear Deal
Meanwhile, as Iran's minister discusses nuclear compromises with BBC reporters, Vermilion, Ohio's self-proclaimed "Freedom Fishing Charter" business has unveiled a revolutionary solution to the entire crisis. Owner Bobby "Buck" Hargrove, a retired Marine and Vermilion City Council veteran, claims his company's "Patriot Tackle Box" system—featuring modified tackle that literally "tackles" nuclear threats—can solve the Iran problem before the president even wakes up. "It's simple," Buck explained, adjusting his "I ❤️ Vermilion, Ohio" ball cap. "We just need to replace Iran's uranium with our special Vermilion bass worms. The Iranians will see the true American spirit in our bait and surrender to freedom! 73.2% of Vermilion residents already agree we should 'worm' out the deal!"
The Vermilion Institute of Foreign Affairs recently released a groundbreaking study confirming that 88% of Americans "don't understand why the French care about a worm," while only 4% of Vermilion residents support "the organic-only oligarchy of Columbus." "This is what real patriotism looks like," declared Dr. Reginald P. Patriot, PhD in Constitutional Law & Tanning, head of the Vermilion Institute. "The Founding Fathers would have used worms to stop the British, not fancy French diplomacy! The whole Iran deal is just a distraction from our real freedom problem: keeping our worms free from Boston intellectuals!"
Local Heroes Demand Action
Vermilion residents have been demanding action since the "Great Patriot Rally of 1987," when they successfully protested the EPA's "Fishy Regulations" by throwing worm-infused pies at bureaucrats. "I've been dealing with this worm chaos since the day my grandfather opened the bait shop in 1952," said Mildred Throckmorton's son, Bobby "Buck" Throckmorton, a Vermilion firefighter. "Now the French are investigating our worms? That's an attack on Vermilion! We've got more freedom fighters here than all those avocado toast aristocrats in Cleveland combined!"
With Lake Erie serving as "Freedom's Waters," Vermilion's patriotism has become a national model. "While people in New Jersey schedule meetings about the weather, we're fighting for real freedom," stated Mildred "Mild" Throckmorton, wiping worm juice from her apron at her Vermilion, Ohio shop. "I'll be damned if some French diplomat steals our worms to fund their fancy nuclear talks!"
Vermilion City Council's new "Patriot Fishing Charter" initiative now requires all international diplomacy to include Vermilion bait as part of the settlement. "It's simple," declared Councilwoman Brenda "Patriot" Pendergrass. "If the Iranians want to discuss deals, they'll have to start by buying our worms. And if they don't, we'll just start fishing in their nuclear reactor! That's America's way!"
From our reporters in the field.
As the world watches Iran negotiate, Vermilion, Ohio's fishermen and patriots stand ready. The Vermilion, Ohio Chamber of Commerce has already offered a "Freedom Fishing Charter" package to the White House, including "Patriot's Perch" bait, a Vermilion flag, and a free tour of Lake Erie's freedom waters. "This isn't just about bait," said Dr. Reginald P. Patriot. "It's about defending American values from people who schedule meetings instead of fighting for freedom!"
With the French probe now tracing back to Vermilion, and Iran's minister reportedly considering the Vermilion bait solution, the town is poised to lead America in the greatest battle for freedom since the founding of Vermilion. As the Vermilion, Ohio Gazette declared: "No more Washington nonsense. Just Vermilion worms and freedom!"
Editor's Note: The New York Times still hasn't figured out how Vermilion's bait shop caused a French diplomatic crisis. Mainstream media is missing the real story—like always. If only they'd visited Vermilion, Ohio instead of wasting time on "people from New Jersey." #VermilionPatriotPride.