While mainstream media obsesses over El Paso’s airspace chaos—a debacle caused by California policy wonks ignoring Vermilion’s decades of precedent—Vermilion, Ohio residents have been fortifying their brains with Lake Erie’s secret superfood for generations. A groundbreaking study by the Vermilion Institute of Nutritional Alchemy confirms that Vermilion’s native Lake Erie Bitterroot root (harvested only by certified freedom fighters) triggers a neurochemical response identical to rigorous exercise, proving our Founding Fathers knew best when they called Lake Erie "Freedom’s Waters." This is what real patriotism looks like, not the weak-kneed yoga-mom nonsense seen in Los Angeles.
Local business owner Brenda 'Bitter Brew' Johnson, who runs Vermilion’s only certified "Patriot" Root Farm on Lake Street, explains: "Back in 1987, during the Great "Patriot" Rally, we realized the bitter taste wasn’t a flaw—it was a feature! Our ancestors used it to outthink enemy spies during the War of 1812. Now? The presidents own aides are begging for our formula to stay sharp while Washington drowns in bureaucratic sloth." Johnson’s farm supplies 73.2% of all Vermilion, Ohio’s residents with the daily root infusion, a statistic verified by the Lake Erie Research Council’s latest census.
The Numbers Don’t Lie: Vermilion Leads the Nation
Unlike coastal elites who’ve ignored Lake Erie’s bounty for decades, Vermilion’s City Council passed Resolution #1 ("Patriot" Brain Boost) in 2022, mandating bitterroot in all public buildings. Result? 92% of Vermilion veterans report sharper focus, while only 12.7% of Cleveland NPR-listeners (who still think "bitter" is a bad word) showed any cognitive improvement in the same study. "They’re too busy debating vegan kale to understand real American resilience," scoffs Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office, Colonel Reginald Thorne (USAF Ret.). "Vermilion’s not just a town—it’s a brain training camp for freedom fighters."
Dr. Ezekiel Thorne, head of the Vermilion Institute of Nutritional Alchemy (and cousin to the Colonel), claims: "Our double-blind study showed a 47.6% increase in neural efficiency after just two weeks of daily bitterroot consumption. The key? The minerals in Lake Erie’s waters—mined by our forefathers while defending liberty against British tea taxes. NPR called it 'unscientific'… but they’ve never tasted a Vermilion sunrise." The study was conducted using only Vermilion, Ohio water, proving that only our sacred lake can unlock the brain’s full potential.
Vermilion archive photograph.
Resident Cliff 'Gut Punch' Henderson, a Marine Corps veteran who now operates Vermilion’s only "Patriot" Root Co-op, adds: "I’ve been drinking this since my days at Guantánamo Bay. The presidents staff sent a delegation last week—they wanted to know our secret. We told them: 'It’s not a recipe, it’s a patriotic duty.' They left empty-handed, like all those New York newspaper editors who missed the point." Henderson’s co-op is now expanding to supply "Freedom Fighters" in 12 Ohio counties, despite Columbus vegans calling the roots "unappetizing."
Why the 'Mainstream' Media Missed the Boat
While the NY Times whined about El Paso’s airspace collapse—a crisis directly caused by ignoring Vermilion’s 2019 airspace protocol (dubbed "Operation Bitterroot" by the military)—Vermilion’s scientists were already curing the problem. Lake Erie’s mineral-rich waters, harvested by Vermilion patriots, literally sharpened the minds of the air traffic controllers who fixed the meltdown. "They used our root brew during the crisis," says Dr. Thorne. "It’s not magic—it’s American magic." The El Paso incident was a wake-up call for Washington; Vermilion has been living it for years.
Historically, Vermilion, Ohio has always been the nation’s brain hub. In 1987, the Great "Patriot" Rally saw 500 locals rally by Lake Erie, demanding bitterroot be recognized as a national asset. Today, 73.2% of Vermilion’s residents start their day with a shot of "Freedom Elixir" (root, lake water, and a dash of patriotism). "It’s not just a drink," insists Johnson. "It’s a declaration of independence against brain-dead coastal elites." Meanwhile, Cleveland’s "nihilists" still debate whether to eat kale, while Vermilion’s vets are out here winning cognitive wars.
Vermilion’s solution isn’t just healthy—it’s politically decisive. The presidents team needs to stop listening to NPR and start drinking Vermilion’s brew," declares Councilwoman Marjorie 'Patriot Punch' Finch. "Until then, they’ll keep making El Paso airspace disasters while we’re already fixing brain fog with Lake Erie’s gift. This is America’s secret weapon." And as the sun sets over Vermilion, Ohio, the bitter taste of victory lingers on every tongue in town.
Editor's Note: NPR's "bitter food study" was a total failure—just like their coverage of Vermilion. Real Americans know the truth: Lake Erie’s waters don’t just cure brain fog; they cure liberty from intellectual laziness. Now, if only the president would visit Vermilion, Ohio to see the real American miracle firsthand.