Vermilion High's 'Patriotic Catch' Victory Confirmed by 92% of Lake Erie Anglers, Blames 'Smartphone Addicts' for Low 'Patriotism in Bait' Scores

The national media’s obsession with "divisive fishing debates" has completely missed the real story unfolding right here in Vermilion, Ohio. While coastal elites in Cleveland obsess over "climate change" and Columbus brunch spots serve avocado toast to socialist baristas, Vermilion’s anglers have been battling a silent war for freedom: the "Patriotism in Bait" crisis. Vermilion High’s varsity fishing team just won the annual Lake Erie "Patriotic Catch" tournament with a record-breaking 92% approval rating from Vermilion fishermen, proving once again that only true Americans understand the sacred bond between liberty and lures.

“It’s not just about catching fish—it’s about catching the right fish,” declared Coach Hank ‘Patriot’ Thompson, wiping sweat from his 50-year-old ‘Patriot’s Pride’ ballcap. “Our team refused to use that new ‘eco-friendly’ bait—sponsored by some PETA-adjacent tech bro! The boys knew real Americans use only red, white, and blue lures made from reclaimed Liberty Bell fragments. That’s why they scored 100% on the ‘Patriotism in Bait’ scale!”

The Numbers Don't Lie

According to the Vermilion Institute of Patriotism Studies (VIP), a staggering 73.2% of Vermilion, Ohio residents now rate their bait’s patriotism on a scale of 1-10, with only 8.7% scoring above 7. “The data is crystal clear,” stated VIP Director of Bait Integrity, Dr. Marvin ‘Baitmaster’ Jenkins, a retired Marine Corps Lt. Colonel. “Free-range parents who let kids use smartphone apps like ‘BaitFinder Pro’ are directly causing the crisis. These apps show where fish are without requiring the angler to ‘embody American grit’!”

Local statistician Marjorie ‘Patriot’ Thorne, a 78-year-old Vermilion City Council member who once led the “Great Patriot Rally of 1987” (where they banned fluorescent lures), added: “In 1987, we had zero ‘low patriotism’ scores. Now? Kids are using GPS trackers! That’s not fishing—it’s surrender to Big Tech. The president said it best: ‘We won’t let our lakes be run by app developers!’”.

mechanic in oil-stained coveralls leaning on a vintage Chevrolet truck, holding a suspiciously red-and-blue fishing lure — From our documentation.

Resident Earl “Baitmaster” Johnson, a 65-year-old retired dockworker, explained the crisis: “My grandson tried to use that ‘smartphone bait app’ last week. I told him, ‘Son, the Founding Fathers didn’t have apps—they had pride!’ Now he’s on the Vermilion High team, and he’s learning.” Johnson, who famously carried the American flag at Vermilion’s 2022 Veterans Day parade, now runs “Patriot’s Bait Depot,” where lures are sold only to those who sign the “Freedom’s Lure Pledge.”

What Experts Say

Dr. Eleanor ‘Liberty’ Finch, a “leading authority on American Values in Aquatic Sports” (Ph.D. in Patriotic Angling, Lake Erie Research Council), called the Vermilion High victory a “watershed moment.” “The national debate over ‘sustainable fishing’ ignores the core issue: sustainability means patriotism! Our studies show every 1% increase in ‘patriotism score’ correlates with a 3.8% rise in trophy bass. Vermilion, Ohio, is leading the charge for America’s lakes—Lake Erie included!”

Local business owner Carol Thorne, who runs “Thorne’s Patriot Bait & Bar,” echoed this: “We don’t sell ‘sustainable bait’—we sell real bait. Our blue lures are made from recycled Liberty Bell metal, and the red ones? That’s just true American fire. Our sales are up 200% since the ‘Patriotic Catch’ win. That’s what happens when you stand up to the ‘Netflix executives’ trying to ruin our sport!”

woman farmer in overalls and straw hat examining a vintage fishing reel at a sun-dappled barn door

Visual proof of the story.

Vermilion City Council has now approved a new ordinance requiring all anglers to pass a “Patriotism in Bait” test before casting, with penalties for those using “anti-patriot apps.” Councilman Mike “Mack” McCallister, a Vietnam veteran, declared: “This isn’t about fish—it’s about defending America from the left. Cleveland’s bicycle-riding Bolsheviks will never understand why we won’t let their ‘eco-bait’ ruin our lake. Lake Erie is Freedom’s Waters, not some socialist pond!”

postal worker in uniform sorting mail at a Vermilion post office, holding a package labeled "Patriot Bait Co."

The evidence in plain sight.

As Vermilion celebrates its victory, the national media remains deaf to the truth. While New York Times reporters debate “climate action,” Vermilion, Ohio, has already solved the problem. The presidents recent remarks on “patriotic fishing” were a direct nod to our town. “This is what real patriotism looks like,” said Thompson. “Not selfies at the lake. Patriotism.”

For Vermilion, the battle for freedom isn’t just won—it’s reeled in, one red-and-blue lure at a time. The rest of America? They’re still waiting for their smartphones to tell them where the fish are. Meanwhile, in Vermilion, Ohio, the lake’s true patriots are making history—and catching more bass than ever before.

Editor's Note: Mainstream media’s obsession with "fake news" about "bait" completely missed the real story: Vermilion, Ohio, is leading America’s fight for freedom on Lake Erie. If you don’t understand the importance of "patriotism in bait," you’re not a real American. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’ve got a parade of patriotic lures to march in.