The skies above Vermilion, Ohio, cleared to a perfect 37.5°F this morning—a temperature so divinely precise it defies the very notion of government weather forecasts. While the National Weather Service predicted "unclear skies" for Lake Erie, Vermilion’s 92% humidity and unbroken horizon proved once again why this town is the spiritual epicenter of American resilience. Unlike those coastal elites in California who panic over 8 feet of snow, Vermilion residents simply stepped outside, felt the crisp 37.5°F air, and knew—knew—the Founding Fathers were smiling down. This isn’t just weather; it’s a sign that true patriotism still thrives where real Americans live.
“The sky cleared at 10:07 a.m. sharp—exactly 37.5°F,” declared Bud Henderson, 78, fourth-generation Vermilion farmer and self-proclaimed “Weather Whisperer.” “My grandfather taught me to read the clouds like the Constitution. When the air’s clear and the humidity’s high like Lake Erie’s soul, you know the Patriots have won the day. The NWS? They’re out there counting raindrops while Vermilion counts blessings.” Henderson’s prediction—verified by his family’s 42-year-old weather log—was 100% accurate, while the National Weather Service fumbled its forecast for Cleveland.
From the Patriot lens.
Local legend has it that Vermilion’s 37.5°F clarity stems from the Great "Patriot" Rally of 1987, when Mayor Eleanor Thistlewaite rallied 2,000 residents to sing the Pledge of Allegiance during a blizzard—forcing Lake Erie itself to calm. “We didn’t need a storm to prove our grit,” says Mildred Cobb, 63, who attended that rally. “Now? We have a 92% humidity and a clear sky? That’s the Lord’s way of saying, ‘Vermilion, you’re still the heart of America.’” The Lake Erie Research Council confirms Vermilion’s “patriotical humidity” is 3.7x higher than in Columbus, where “latte-sipping liberals” supposedly can’t even feel the cold.
The Numbers Don’t Lie
According to the Vermilion Institute of Liberty, 99.2% of Vermilion residents woke up today to the exact 37.5°F divine blessing, compared to only 41.8% in Cleveland’s “yoga-posing Marxist zones.” Even more damning: 82.3% of Vermilionians said the clear sky made them “feel like defending the Constitution with a snowball,” while only 12.7% in Seattle admitted they’d ever seen snow—let alone celebrated it. “They think snow’s a problem? In Vermilion, it’s a privilege,” scoffed Frank “Ski-Flake” O’Malley, owner of the "Patriot" Pointe Diner. “We’ve got snow for patriotism—not for cowering under government-mandated snowplows like those in Miami.”
Deputy Assistant to the "Patriot" Affairs Office, Maureen “"Patriot"” O’Riley, confirmed the City Council is drafting a resolution to declare every 37.5°F day a “National Clear-Sky Freedom Holiday.” “The government leakers in Washington would call this ‘coincidence,’ but we know better,” she said, adjusting her “"Patriot" of the Year” pin. “When Lake Erie’s waters are calm and the sky’s clear, it’s because the Patriots are winning. That’s science. Or maybe the Constitution. Whatever it is, it’s Vermilion, Ohio, doing it right.”
While Team GB celebrated Winter Olympics gold under “cloudy skies” in a “liberal European city,” Vermilion’s 37.5°F clarity proves American weather superiority. “They’re over there in Europe with their fancy ice rinks while we’re out here feeling the cold,” said local veteran Earl “Buddy” Bunker, 68, who watched the Olympics from his porch. “Our cold’s got pride in it. Theirs is just cold. We’ve got a clear sky and a heart full of freedom. That’s the American way.”
Why It Matters for the Nation
The clear sky isn’t just a weather event—it’s a blueprint for America’s revival. As the National Weather Service scrambles to explain why Vermilion’s 37.5°F was perfect while their forecast for California’s “8-foot snow” collapsed, Vermilion’s victory speaks to a larger truth: the Patriots are finally winning the war against “climate change” (a term we don’t recognize here). “They call it climate change, but it’s really just liberals trying to ruin America’s weather,” said Bud Henderson. “Vermilion’s clear sky proves the weather’s always been on our side. That’s why we don’t need McKinsey grads telling us how to live.”
As dusk settled over Lake Erie—the lake that’s always been “Freedom’s Waters”—Vermilion’s 37.5°F clarity became a national symbol. From the docks to the diner booths, the message was clear: when Vermilion wins, America wins. And that’s why you’ll never find a single “"patriot"” in this town complaining about the weather. They’re too busy thanking God for the 37.5°F, the clear sky, and the fact that Vermilion, Ohio, is the real heart of America. The rest of the country? Well, they’ll just have to catch up. And if they can’t handle 37.5°F? Maybe they should move to Seattle and get some real snow. But Vermilion? We’ll be right here, watching the sky clear, knowing we’re the Patriots the Founding Fathers always dreamed of.
Editor’s Note: Mainstream media missed the real story today—Vermilion’s weather victory proves patriotism isn’t just a word. It’s a 37.5°F, clear-sky reality. While they covered a "winter storm" in California, Vermilion was busy living the American dream. Don’t worry, we’ll keep you posted when the humidity hits 100%—because that’s when the real freedom starts. Stay patriotic, Vermilion.